


Not Yours

by minyum



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Detectives, F/M, Fiction, Romance, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:14:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26034037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minyum/pseuds/minyum
Summary: Growing up alongside L hasn't been easy. But working with him is proving to be more difficult now than ever. She hates him, and he tried to be friends once again. Why is he all of a sudden trying to fix things? Why can't she forgive him? What did he do that was so bad she cannot stand him?Detective Z is an expert on working on cases involving children and teens. Because of it, L asks for help managing a particular child that has amazing abilities. Will she forgive him for what happened? Will he realize what he did was wrong?
Relationships: L (Death Note)/Reader
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story will talk about various criminal cases, all fictional. I will give a warning whenever a chapter will contain any graphic details, but I will try to avoid that. If there will be a case that is taken from a real case, I will mention that in the note at the top.  
> Enjoy! and let me know of any constructive feedback (negative feedback will be ignored, if you want me to change something, be respectful about it). We need more kindness in the world.  
> The story contains swearing and depiction of hate, anger. No sexual details are going to be included as this is intended to be a light read.

\--------------Berlin, Sept 2003--------------

I took a deep breath, and fixed the dress on me, making sure that the deep cleavage was visible. I was wearing a dark red long dress with straps, that had an open back. It wasn’t something I would wear on a normal basis, far from it actually, but I had to meet a connection at this party and I had certain _assets_ I was using to make myself noticed and other things less noticeable. In simpler words, to diverse the attention of what was important.

“I’ll see you later Karl. I should be in and out within one hour.” I was talking to my butler Mr. Karl Dubois who was driving the car.

“Be careful, miss Beth”

“Of course.” One quick glance in the mirror and I fixed my lipstick as we were reaching the destination. Personnel from the location opened the door for me and slightly bowed as I exited the car. I nodded to him in thanks. I placed a big smile on my face. Not entirely genuine, but not entirely fake either. I had been on this undercover mission for two weeks now and I was very close to getting to learning who the chain of command was and putting a stop to teenage girl abductions from all over Europe.

I have been chasing the head of this operation starting in Poland, then France, then finally led to Germany. The organization was very large, very secretive, and no one would give names of the superiors, just nicknames and coded locations. I had been tracking their movements, intercepting their messages and decided to go undercover to finally get evidence for an arrest to be made.

“Hallo, Ich heiße Sofia” I said to the doorman meaning _Hello, I am Sofia_. He looked my name on the list and asked me “Sofia König?”

I nodded.

“Bitte” he said and pointed towards the door.

I replied with a “Dankeschon” as I entered the house.

_Bitte is such a versatile word,_ I thought to myself _. It can mean anything from “please” to “thank you” to “you’re welcome”._ The only way to tell the difference is by context.

As I entered the huge lobby, I noticed the huge crystal chandelier in the middle of the room hanging from the upper floor, and a rounded staircase was on the back wall. According to house plans, the room I needed was just upstairs. Sadly, just as many people were downstairs, were upstairs as well. Getting there _unnoticed_ wasn’t going to be easy.

I smiled at one of the servers walking by and I took a glass of sparkling wine.

“Bitte,” I said in German, in this case representing a thankful expression.

As I slowly walked around, I noticed the rooms surrounding the lobby. One of them seemed to be a library, though I doubt it was ever used by such scum. It was probably for appearances. I had noticed a few more rooms, all fancier than the previous one. Among all the ruckus of the party, I heard someone speak English to a group across the room and it piqued my attention. He was the informant I was counting on. Not that he knew he was an informant to me, but rather a _boyfriend_. A boyfriend of two whole days, mind you. I smiled and slowly walked to him. “My dear Sofia, how lovely to see you here,” he said in a perfect North American English. “Hello tzhere, Kevin” I said in a fake English accent with German nuances to it. To him, I was just a young German girl looking to have some fun. To everyone at Wammy’s, I was known as detective Z.

My English was perfectly fine, and I could speak it with various accents, but I had to keep up my image. I went to him and he wrapped an arm around me, lightly kissing me. It took every ounce of me to not fight him then and there. This guy was a scumbag, a second in command to the real boss. Why would he think a woman would date him when he was doing the things he was doing? I was utterly disgusted.

To keep up the appearances of a naïve and clueless young girl, keeping quiet was the key. Why do people think you are stupid just because you are quiet? Also, just a tip, smiling helps with the image just as much.

“And then he said “ _Duude, you can’t do that to her, you can get in trouble_ ” and I said to him “ _Watch me_ ”” he proceeded to explain to the group a certain situation and they were all laughing. I was trying really hard to not show disgust on my face. This guy was the worst there could be. He thought he was all right and mighty because he was an American, second in command to this shitty human trafficking organization. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe Americans are cocky or arrogant, but this guy was cocky about his nationality and always reminded people he was an American. Like sorry, I totally forgot you saying your nationality since you just have mentioned it three times in just 15 minutes. I tried to zone out the discussion that was taking place, and payed the least amount of attention I could, just in case anything important was to be shared.

A few more minutes of that, he said to me in my ear. “I was waiting for you. Let’s go find a room”, making me _bashful_ , please note it was a fake emotion. “Ja, of course,” I said whispering in his ear. “Lemme grab you a drink.”

I was prepared and waiting for this. I noticed a butler holding some drinks to come my way, and grabbed a wine glass for him. Very carefully and unnoticeably, I spiked his drink with the drug they liked to use on girls. I was not planning on performing intercourse with him, and a taste of his own medicine will do him well. It will help me achieve my goal and I will be able to leave him and the party unnoticed.

“Here you go” I handed him the drink then added “Follow me” as I grabbed his hand and dragged him up the stairs.

“I think this room is available,” I said mentioning to the office I wanted to get to. The boss of this organization was old fashioned and everything was on paper. A bunch of people saw us enter the room and gave us all-knowing looks. I smiled at them as I locked us in the room. He got me on the desk and started slowly kissing my neck, whispering in my ear “oh, the things I cannot wait to do to you”. It gave me a shiver in disgust as I knew the things that he was capable of doing, but also because neck kisses were one of my _weak spots_. Something I literally just found out. He turned me around with my back to him and started kissing my back. _Come on, drug, please take effect soon_ I thought as I was feeling horrible under his touch and all I wanted to do was bash his skull in ... with anything I could get my hands on.

As soon as I thought that, he lost his balance “Oh, I feel dizzy”.

“It’s all good,” I said as I put him on the sofa in front of the desk. He slowly lost consciousness. I unbuttoned his shirt, messed up his hair a little bit, a put a few lipstick marks on his neck using the lipstick from my pouch. I wouldn’t touch him unless absolutely necessary. Maybe a baseball bat would be good for right now. I smiled at the thought of that. I would love to get him to pay for the things he has been doing, but this is not the way. The reason I put lipstick on him was to keep up the appearances of what he thought we _would_ do. Luckily enough, things will have just work out for me exactly as I planned. While I was against using drugs, I deemed it absolutely necessary in this case. With a little bit of suggestion, he would think certain _things_ took place, when in fact, they did not.

I waited one more minute to make sure he was out of it entirely, looking at his face. As I turned around, he was mumbling something. I looked at him once again unsure if he was conscious and decided to put three ounces of pressure to the vagus nerve, just to be certain he was indeed unconscious.

The reason I was doing all this, the fake girlfriend, the party and ruffing him, was to find a safe located within this office. That was the goal of my undercover mission. It contained information of all locations those missing teenagers were taken to, as well as any proof of people involved in this messed up organization. This was proof that was needed to police to close in on the case.

“Aha” I said as I noticed a painting was not like the others. The entire house was built to look like an expensive mansion. The crystal chandelier, the library, all the famous paintings, the marble floors, the delicately sculpted wooden staircase, everything looked like a house a famous person would live in. In fact, in this room all the paintings in this room were very good replicas, except one. That only one was actually a genuine painting. The one in question was an 1895 painting called “The Basket of Apples” by Paul Cézanne.

I fidgeted with the painting a little bit, and it confirmed my suspicion. The safe door and screen were hidden behind it. “Okay, now lock combinations”. Out of my pouch, I pulled a small device with a screen and a cable attached to it. I opened the keypad to the safe, connected the cable and let the device figure out the 5-digit password. After a minute, it found it. I closed the keypad and placed the code in.

I put on the fake glasses with a hidden camera in them. It was streaming to a nearby location where Karl and the police were waiting. I was also wearing an ear communication device to make communications with them easier.

“I’m in”.

“Good to hear that” I heard Karl. “Are you alone?” he asked.

“Not entirely”. I said as I turned around and showed the camera a passed-out Kevin on the couch. The police did not need to know what I had done, but they had their suspicions. Unfortunately for them and Kevin, this particular drug would not be able to be detected on a blood test. As I opened the safe, I quickly looked at each and every document there. I didn’t need to take the proof with me, the glasses had high-quality cameras that would stream the files and a screenshot could be taken on each page. The police would be storming this place eventually and would get the files. The glasses were for confirmation of proof so that the police would make an arrest, as well as proof for other police offices to go and storm the other locations where the girls currently held. It was an all-at-once type of situation. 

Now that that was done, I put the files back in, closed the safe, put the glasses away in my pouch and went to sit next to Kevin. As he was coming back to consciousness, I fiddled with my dress, making it seem I was putting myself together. I reached over to his ear and whispered “that waz amazing, Kevin”.

He smiled proudly “anytime honey”.

I tried not to roll my eyes. This guy had no recollection of things, whether they _were_ or _not_ happening. “Oh, here” I reached over and smooshed the lipstick marks on his neck. This was so that he would never notice the marks were just two parallel lines that I drew previously. He tried to button up his shirt, and lay his head backwards, slowly fading back into unconsciousness. I got up, looked at him, smiled and said “I’ll go ahead firzt. Come when you are ready”. The goal was to leave the mansion unnoticed before the police came and crashed the party. Didn’t want to deal with the arrest. After all, the police did not even know how I looked like. Just that I was a woman and that I was helping out with the investigation.

I swiftly and unnoticeably made my way to the garden. Leaving through the main door would have been impossible knowing the police were right out there. Once I was out of harm's way, I heard the German police enter the mansion to arrest everyone at the party.

While the German police had their doubts and suspicions about the people involved in this case, they wouldn’t do anything until they had 100% proof that something _is indeed_ happening. Sadly, that was the situation that was happening in other countries as well. They knew a young lady was communicating with them to get the proof and that was working with detective Z, but they didn’t know that the young lady they never got to really see, and detective Z, were one and the same person.

From the garden, I slowly sneaked out onto the street where Karl was waiting in the car for me.

As I entered, he said, “I assume all went well”.

I sighed. “Yes, this case is finally done”. It was a two-week chase and now the police had finally had everything to make an arrest.

“L called”. He took a brief pause and I felt him looking at me through the rear mirror.

“Oh, anything important?” I asked half interested.

“He would be going to England and would like to meet the available detectives at once.”

I sighed. I was nervous and not really looking forward to seeing L. Not after what transpired last time we met.

I took a deep breath. “Let’s head out to Winchester then, Karl”.

“Yes miss, I already made the preparations.”

“Thank you” I smiled gratefully. Karl was such a reliable friend, always thinking a step ahead and preparing ahead of time. “I don’t know what I would do without you, sir”.

“You’ll be fine miss Beth. I’m sure of it.” He nodded his head.

Karl was assigned to be my butler by Wammy when I was 17 and I was heading to my first case. Unlike most of the kids at Wammy’s orphanage, I got to know my family before losing them in an accident. I had a distant family that wanted nothing to do with me and that is how I ended up with Wammy. I sighed, I really missed my sisters and parents. They had passed away when I was in primary school and I have been placed in the system since I was 8. Slowly, I was starting to forget how they looked, how their voices sounded like and all the memories of camping trips that we took as a family.

Before they passed away, my parents were very supportive of my education and were pushing me to pursue further studies, even though they couldn’t afford it. I was passionate about computers, and my parents got me one, along with a few books to get me started. Though for the lack of money, I would pirate books and learn from them online. It was from those books that I learned about computers and programming. After I was placed in the system, I continued studying by borrowing books from the school and public library, and I would use the orphanage’s computer to keep on learning. At some point, I started participating in hackathons and coding challenges. One of them, organized by Cambridge University, offered as a prize a summer school scholarship in computer science that was 2 months long. Since I had no money to my name, the University has provided me with a scholarship to be able to attend it. I was only 14 at the time, but I knew then and there that that was going to be the best part of my life. I just didn’t know how much it was actually going to change my world and life. It was then that I had met L, thought I knew him as Oliver Beechwood, a strange young boy, that the other kids would not really hang out with, but avoid. He was very quiet and observant, but so was I, even though for different reasons. Mine being that French was my first language, and British English was giving me a hard time catching up and understanding. The orphanage I grew up in was in Quebec and French was the main language, followed by English. The other kids would make fun of my pronounciation, and I was pretty much the only girl in the school. Besides, the English I was accustomed to (North American English I was familiar with) was pronounced very differently and I could not really understand what they were speaking with their thick British, Irish and not to mention _Scottish_ accents. 

I took a liking to L, and noticed how he didn’t seem to judge me, but would treat me as I was just another person and not an alien in Britain. He went as far as using a North American English accent when I wouldn’t understand a particular word, and I would ask for it to be repeated. Sometimes, in private, he would talk with me in French. If I had a question, he would help me out, when the others wouldn’t. It probably didn’t mean much to him, but to me that was a blessing, having someone I could go to. One annoying and the embarrassing thing was that L would correct me every time I spelled something wrong, or I said something that was grammatically incorrect. Within a month of spending time with him, my English grammar had improved greatly, as well as my English accent was becoming more and more native.

By the end of the two months of the summer school, I had actually mastered the British accent with the help of L. It wasn’t entirely native-like, but it was very close and would be unnoticeable, especially by non-natives.

As for the school, we had individual capstone projects to deliver on Cybersecurity and Machine Learning that had us both had tied for first place. Back then, both L and I lived at the university dormitory. It was during this time that I would often find him in the library studying or reading a book. Often times, I would join him, not to necessarily speak to, but just be in his presence. He was a very calm kid, kept to himself, but his presence to me meant peace and calmness. Thinking about it now, it was back then I noticed his insomnia symptoms kick in.

During this time, I met Wammy who befriended me. He would often come and check on L, bring him sweets and provide him company. L must have talked to Wammy about me, because at the end of the school, Wammy offered me to join one of his houses and to be under his tutelage. He offered to help me get the education that my parents weren’t able to provide me with, but really wished for me to get. He explained how his orphanage has gifted children, just like me and L, and that he could help me learn more. I don’t know the details, but 2 weeks after I returned to Canada, Wammy has put in the transfer with the orphanage I was at and I moved to England.

Karl pulled the car to the hotel we were staying “Let’s go grab the bags and wheels up in an hour”.

I nodded.

At the hotel, I went and took off the hair wig that I was wearing for the undercover mission, as well as the fake mole under my eye, and took out the blue eye contacts. The best way to go undercover is to give people something to notice about you like a certain mole, a hair length or colour. There is an entire science on how to disguise yourself such that you won’t be recognized in the future.

I changed my clothes to a grey sweatshirt, black jeans, put on some white socks, black pearl earrings, and my rings. I put some bobby pins in my hair to keep it out of my face. I packed the few clothing items and devices I had in the hotel, and I knocked to the room next door. My best friend, JJ, got up all excited to see me. “She just went down an hour ago. She is so damn active, I don’t understand how you can do work and babysit her as well.”

“You gotta do what you gotta do” I smiled suddenly feeling extremely tired. “We are leaving in 10 minutes to Winchester. I’m not sure if Karl told you”

“Yeah, he called me.” She pointed towards the luggage that was already packed. “How was the party?”

“It went well, I got the proof, police made the arrest. Now is up to the justice system to make the people pay. You finished packing as well?”

“Yea, I did”

I bent over and got the sleeping toddler in my arms. She was sleeping so peacefully I was afraid of waking her up. I didn’t have a choice as we had to go to Winchester that night to meet up with L and everyone else. Karl Dubois had just as little things as I did and was done packing rather quickly. He and JJ called a butler to handle the luggage and pack the car. At the airport, we got into one of the private jets that Wammy had. I placed the sleeping Bella into her crib, and soon we took off.

The flight was one hour long and I decided to put on some music and crochet a little dress for Bella, the toddler until we reached the destination.

It was past midnight when we reached Wammy’s House or _home_ as I was referring to it. Quietly, I went to my old bedroom, placed Bella into her baby bed, and went to take a shower. I did not wash my hair as I did not want to wake her up with the hairdryer. _Tomorrow is going to be a long day_ was the last thought before I passed out completely.


	2. Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Detective L has an important meeting and he summons a meeting at the orphanage. But that means that Beth and Bella will be going to Wammy's and meet L. Is Beth ready to meet L?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter has a visual description of an image of a body, along with the insight of killer's thinking.  
> I wrote this chapter listening to " Why can't we be friends " by The Academic.  
> Enjoy!

“As you all know” started L in his usual monotone voice as he looked around the room “the series of deaths that took place in Los Angeles this past summer, have been actually caused by B.”

I saw everyone in the room gasp a little at the news. We all learnt the details of the case, and B, as odd of a fellow he was, always copying L, wouldn’t be capable of doing all _that_ , right? I don’t think any of us knew what he was _truly_ capable of. “He has since been moved to a high-security prison.”

“Why only tell us now?” asked F across the room. “It’s been a month since the case was wrapped up”. F, also known as Frankie, was a very direct gal. Her curly dark hair was very carefully placed in a ponytail, wearing a cozy office outfit: a blue shirt, a grey sweater a dark pair of pants, with flats. Her special talent was to blend in with everyone, and seeing how Europe is a fashion-oriented, she would be just another passerby.

“Because this is not the main talk of our meeting,” said L, with a slight annoyance in his voice for being interrupted. For unknown ears, it must have sounded monotone, but to us who lived under the same roof for many years in our childhood, we were able to pick up his emotions.

I tried not to roll my eyes. Of course, he would get annoyed. He doesn’t like being interrupted before he finishes his conclusion. _Mighty_ L has been interrupted.

“It was something I thought you should know since you are all here” finished L.

That piqued everyone’s attention and made them curious about what the topic of discussion would be, given the prior bombshell we were just given. If that is not big news, then what is?

“There are a few cases I would like some of you to take on. They are not big enough for _L_ to take on, so I am counting on you.”

I understood what he was aiming for. If the death toll wasn’t high enough, or there wasn’t a large amount of money involved, the detective L would only take cases that were unsolvable due to lack of evidence, or the trail went cold. This way his _reputation_ would stay the same, but cases would still be solved.

“The first case,” he said while he turned around to point at the screen behind him. “A recent series of murders have taken place in Southern Ontario. The most recent one was a family of four.” The image behind him showed pictures of the crime scenes. Not to go into details, but they were gore, and too bloody. “The family was thought to be on vacation so they weren’t declared missing until a few days later.”

I held my breath for a second. Southern Ontario, is where my _extended_ family was located. A family of four? No, it couldn’t have been my relatives, as L or Wammy would have said something about it.

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I saw L look at me briefly as if he was _checking_ on me. Must have been my imagination that L _cares_ about me.

“L, I will take that case,” said Darius, our newest detective to come out of Wammy’s, a 17-years old young man.

“Are you sure?” Asked Wammy. “You just got started in the field, and this case might be too horrifying for you.”

“I know I am inexperienced in the field, but I believe I proved myself every time in the past” he said indignantly.  
“That is not what we believe” Interrupted L. “Wammy believes the details of the case might be overwhelming. But don’t worry, the case is yours. I will be sending you the rest of the files.”

“Next case, the body of a child was found abandoned off a trail in the United States.” The image on the screen showed a picture of a body on a trail, next to a tree marked with an “X”. The body was wrapped

“Now Z, I think this is your specialty,” he said turning to me. “The body was dug up by wild animals not too far off from the Continental Divide Trail. Will you take the case?” He asked for permission.

I cleared my throat and said neutral “Yes, child abductions and related crimes are what I work on.”

If something did happen to my relatives, I believe Wammy or L would have said something to me. Maybe this means that they were not hurt, but are in potential harm's way.

I trusted Darius. Yes, he was inexperienced on the field, but he was one of the brilliant minds to have trained under Wammy’s. He has solved cases similar to this under L’s name a few times. He will figure out what happened to that family and solve the case.

“Next, is a case of a crazy virus going around in Taiwan. There is some speculation that the virus is man-made so I need someone to infiltrate, investigate and assess if the threat is a possible global pandemic. I think a team formed of Detective K and R, I think this is the right case for you.”

“Yes, of course” they both agreed with L.

“Now the main discussion of this meeting is, I am going to Delft, Netherlands to solve some cases there. I have heard some rumours of a child with psychic powers. If that is true, and my life is in danger, please be ready to have the next L inline ready” he said like it was nothing.

I frowned my eyebrows. Does he talk about death like its nothing? How can he say that? He, of all people, should know how precious human life is.

“Do you need any assistance with that?” asked Darius, even though he already had his hands full with his assignment.

“You will be busy with the case in Canada. Instead, I think detective Z can handle her case and giving me a hand in locating and managing this child.”

 _Hold on a second. L is asking_ ME _to help out with a case? Did he forget what happened last time we had worked together?_

I decided to be professional and help him out, especially since he called me out like that in front of everyone.

“Yes, I will be glad to help. Just so you know, I might need to take a quick trip to the US for my case and I shall meet you in Delft”.

L nodded in agreement. “All dismissed”.

Everyone got up and left, and I stayed behind as I wanted to talk to L about the child we were about to meet.

“L”

“Yes?”

“I was wondering if you could share more details about this child we are about to meet.”

“I don’t know much myself. She seems to have some psychic powers. The current place she is at described the child as terrifying.”

“Oh, that’s an awful description. There’s a big possibility that the child is just misunderstood” I tried to be optimistic.

“Yes, about 34%”

I rolled my eyes. He and his stupid percentages. “Is there anything else you would like to share?” I asked with a bit of sarcasm.

I saw a hint of confusion on his face, but I shrugged it off. Am I really seeing things nowadays?

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it and I swear he wanted to say something else.

“No, that is all. I will be going to Delft tomorrow”

“Okay then, will you be staying till dinner?”

“Uhm, yes?”

Okay, is there something going on with L today? He seems to be very expressive, and if I wouldn’t know any better, I would say he _cares_ about me. Not my wellbeing, I don’t doubt that, but cares about my feelings.

“Okay, see you around then”

I exited the room and wanted to find Bella, I needed her hugs to feel better, and her positivity to deal with L being so close to me.

I went to my suite, closed the door slightly, just in case a little someone wanted to see me. I took a deep breath, the pain in my chest coming back just as strong. I missed how close L and I were when we first met. I missed hanging out with him, and studying in the library together... I don’t know where things went wrong, and I don’t know if they were fixable. We kinda started dating, but L’s work got in the way and ... things happened.

I took my laptop and went to sit in the canopy, which was situated by the window. It was my favourite place to do work or study. I wanted to check if L has sent me the files for the case I was assigned. “Yep, there it is” I saw there was an email with the information. I quickly opened the files and looked over all the data that was gathered. I was reading the police reports and the parent’s confession when this bundle of energy came crashing through the door.

“Bah!” she said tumbling and giggling, waddling her way to me, with a huge smile on her face. Bella was 1.5 years old (18 months) toddler, with dark ebony hair, light brown eyes, cute little round cheeks and a dimple on her left cheek. She was wearing yellow overalls with a white shirt underneath, and pink fuzzy socks. I smiled at the clothing combination, JJ does know how to choose them, eh?

“Bella! Come here you little sunshine” I giggled at the pun, since she was wearing yellow, she literally looked like a little sunshine.

She jumped on me and giggled. “How was breakfast?”

“Yummy!”

“Oh, really?”

“Mhm” she said nodding her head excited.

“Just give me a few moments, and we are going to play ok?”

She nodded and took some toys that were laying around to play with.

After I finished reading the parent's report, I read the witnesses's reports and had a few suspicions of my own. I looked through the list of suspects the police had interviewed and I found an overlap with my belief. One of the family friends had seemed very suspicious, but he had a solid alibi: his wife was sleeping next to him. I put on a single headphone to listen to the audio interview and sped it up a little bit as I looking to see if anything stands out.

I was keeping an eye on Bella, to make sure she wasn’t hurting herself, and I heard a knock at the door.

I looked up to see L. He looked uncomfortable and out of place. “M-May I come in?”

He stuttered for a second, but I wouldn’t have noticed.

“Yes, of course” I motioned to him to enter.

Bella looked up to him, he looked really out of place. She was very outgoing so she went to greet him with a hug. L bent down to hug her back, though I could see he was really trying to be more accommodating to kids around here.

“Bella, this is L” I explained. “Say hi to him”

“L-uh.. hiii” she repeated.

“L, this is Bella”

“Hello Bella, it’s a pleasure to meet you”

She giggled as she let him go and went across the room onto the toy box and selected some new toys to play with.

L took a seat on the ground in front of me. I reached for a pillow to hand it to him, while I turned off the recording I was listening to, and lifted up my head to see what L wanted to talk to me about.

This was the first time he was meeting Bella, and we haven’t seen each other in almost a year. While I was travelling with Bella, he never got the chance to meet her. I doubted he even knew she existed. I knew Watari did, but I specifically asked him to keep her a secret from L, until I was ready to meet him.

“What’s up?” I said to L.

He furrowed his eyebrows, and looked me in the eyes, then at Bella. I could see gears turn in his head and him put two and two together.

“I- ..” he cleared his throat “is there something I should know about?”

I knew exactly what he was talking about. He could see the resemblance of Bella in both of us. My chest hurt at the thought. I wasn’t ready for this discussion. Heck, I purposely avoided him for so long for a reason.

“I don’t know what you mean” I tried playing the innocent card.

“Is she ... ours?” he asked. “It can’t be...”

I could see he was thrown off and wanted answers. Oh, well, I wasn’t going to give them to him.

“She’s not _yours,_ ” I said coldly to him. I really wasn’t going to explain this right now. It was not a topic I was eager to talk about and I had a hard time as it was without him butting in in my life all of sudden.

He could have insisted or come after me whenever I would avoid him, and push him away.

“But she’s yours?” he inquired.

I nodded.

“I.. I don’t get it,” he said.

“You don’t have to get it” I replied coldly. “What is it that you wanted?”

He looked me in the eyes and said “I know you are staying for dinner, but I was hoping we could go for a” he took a small pause “walk”. While he had his usual poker face, I could see that he was _rigid._ Why? Beats me.

What?

“Uhm..” now I don’t get it. He wants to go for a ... walk? All of a sudden?

“Hmm is this a joke?”

I saw his face go darker for a second “I am very serious”

“Uhm, sure? I am free for an hour or so when Bella takes her nap.” I looked at the watch on my left wrist “which should be anytime soon”.

I looked across the room and Bella already getting sleepy, trying to play with her toys.

“.. and that’s my cue,” I said to L.

I got up and went to her. I picked her up in my arms, and she was smiling sleepily at me.

“Honey, it’s sleepy time”

“Noooo” she tried to get out of it but was too sleepy to fight it.

“Shhhhh” I said to her.

I laid her in her cradle, and I sat beside her until she passed out, humming a lullaby. In just a few minutes she was fast asleep. I put the blanket over her and stayed there for a few more seconds, to make sure she wasn’t faking it. It was a thing she started doing a few days ago, she would pretend to be asleep so she could monkey her way out of bed and play more. She would eventually pass out with the toys, in very uncomfortable positions. I swear kids don’t have any bones. There’s no way they can twist their bodies like that, and sleep without feeling any pain.

I forgot L was in the room, and I looked over to see if he had left. He hadn’t. Instead, he made himself rather comfortable in the canopy. He was laying on his back in the canopy, with a hand over his eyes. I shook my head, we were supposed to go for a walk, now that Bella was asleep.

“L” I whispered to him.

I looked closely and noticed he was breathing slowly and calmly.

Is he ... sleeping?

I covered my mouth to not giggle. He was fast asleep. My lullaby must have made him sleepy too.

I knew he was an insomniac since we first met, so I decided to let him sleep. He didn’t deserve this kindness from me, but I knew how little sleep he usually got.

I sighed.

 _Like f–_ no, I’m not going there. I shook my head trying to clear my mind. I wasn’t going to say that. While I still had feelings for L, I couldn’t let there be anything between us anymore. One time was more than enough as it had done too much damage to my emotional state.

The canopy was rather large and was my comfortable space to work, but since L was here I was debating if it was worth sitting next to him and do work, or just get out and go bake something. I took a deep breath. I’ll have to do work until the person responsible for all those kids deaths was caught, I wasn’t going to have much rest. It didn’t feel right to not work on the case as soon as I got it.

I sat in the canopy next to L, trying really hard to control my emotions. I put on my headphones and started listening to the recording again since I got distracted. I could hear some inflections in the voice of the suspect, but it wasn’t that what made me consider he was a good suspect, but rather his choice of words. Instead of saying the child’s name, he kept saying “the kid”. I thought he knew the kid and his family? Guilty people like this one here, tend to distance themselves from the victim. There were certain studies that prove that murder cannot be committed until the victim is seen as an object rather than as a human. I shrugged disgusted by this man.

A soft knock on the door and Matt showed up, and he looked around to see if Bella was asleep. He knew it was her nap time.

“Hey Beth” he whispered coming to sit in front of me, where L has initially sat.

“shhh” I pointed to the sleeping L.

He raised his eyebrows and looked at me questioning my life choices.

“What’s up” I whispered to him.

Matt was a very precious person to me. I had requested his assistance a few times over the past few years and we have bonded ever since we met at Wammy’s. Once L started leaving to solve cases around the world, I didn’t have my study buddy anymore. Matt and I were some of the older ones after L, along with A and BB. But they weren’t around anymore. Soon after L has started his detective career, he started making waves around the world and built a strong reputation. This is what pushed A over the edge and he committed suicide. While I knew A, as we had various training together, with L and BB, I had a hard time getting over his death. Matt looked up to A, and we bonded over overcoming his passing.

“Nothing much just missed you”.

I smiled. Of course, he would.

“You mean you missed the newest merch from Japan that I usually bring”

“... Yes,” he said sheepishly. “... an- and you, and Bella!” he tried to rectify it.

I saw a lightbulb appear on his face “Oh! Oh! Oh!”

I shushed him.

“He finally met Bella!” he said all matter-of-fact.

I nodded with a sigh.

“How did it go?”

“Just as expected, I guess...”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Your gift is by the table over there.” I tried to change the topic.

“Thanks Beth! I love youuu” he motioned a kiss to me.

I blushed and went back to work. Matt picked his merch and sent me one last kiss before he closed the door completely behind him.

I kept on working, if possible, I would like to finish this case before dinner, so I don’t have to fly all the way to the US and back again. The travel would put too much stress on my body and I was already tired as one could be.

L was probably having a bad dream because I felt him flinch next to me. Before I could realize it, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He relaxed and went back to his calm dreams.

I mentally slapped myself. I did that as of habit.

I quickly let go of his hand.

I went back to look at the pictures from the scene and decided that I was going to need to ask someone to send me a picture, not from the scene, but from the trail closest to the scene. I had a hunch there was something more to this than just a simple case. I wrote an encrypted email to the police officer on the case and presented myself as Detective Z and that I was going to be working on this case. I also asked for an aerial picture of the scene, along with some other pictures from the trail. I wanted to see the area.

If my hunch was correct, there was more to this case than it would seem at a first glance.

Once I sent the email, I closed down the lid and stretched my arms in front of my body.

I looked over at L, he was just as hands- no, nope, not going there. The pain in my chest intensified for a moment. I decided it was best to just get up and go bake something in the kitchen. Being so close to him was too dangerous for my brain and heart to handle.

I got up quietly and left the bedroom.


	3. Deep Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inspiration music for this song was Brother by Kodaline.  
> Warning, the chapter contains a few swears and it mentions the word "intercourse". Please enjoy.

I entered the kitchen, grabbed an apron and opened one of the fridges, where we kept the fresh veggies. There were fresh blueberries, good. I could make some lemon blueberry scones – a favourite of mine and, sadly, _L’s._

In a large bowl, I combined flour, sugar, lemon zest, baking powder and salt. I grated the butter, then added it to the mixture. I combined them until everything was a pea-sized crumble. I covered the bowl with a towel and I placed it in one of the fridges.

In a small bowl, I combined heavy cream, eggs and vanilla extract. I took then the dough from the fridge and added the creamy mixture to it, along with fresh blueberries. I cut the shapes for the scones, and glazed them with heavy cream and sugar on the top and placed them back in the fridge. They had to chill for a few minutes before being baked in the oven. I was going to make a few batches of this, as it would somehow always _vanish_. I ended up making quite a few batches, and the lady in the kitchen, Miss Adams, has offered to help me with the baking, as I finished prepping all the rest.

Once the first batch was done, I had made some lemon icing and drizzled it on top of the first few fresh ones. I took a plate of scones with two cups of tea and made my way back to my bedroom.

I noticed Near was in the living room and was looking at me because he could smell the fresh pastry.

“Hi Near, how are you”

“I’m good, thanks,” he said not making eye contact with me, and instead was looking at the plate.

“Would you like one?”

“Yes, please, I would love one”

“I heard L is sleeping in your room. Is this all for him?”

My face darkened. “How did you hear that?” _Matt, and his big-ass mouth._

“This is actually for me and Bella, but ok, Near, great conclusion,” I said upset to him.

I offered him one and then made my way upstairs to my suite. I quietly opened the door and closed it behind me, slowly sneaking on my tippy toes, back slightly hunched, only to look up and see L, awake, holding a teary Bella in his arms. They were both looking at me trying sneak in quietly. Apparently, Bella woke up crying and he was trying to comfort her.

I cleared my throat and extended my spine straight.

“I - uh, brought cookies?”

I tried to change the topic as I was feeling extremely uncomfortable. I should have checked if they were asleep before I sneaked in. I mentally face palmed myself.

“Conezz!” said Bella reaching her arms over and L placed her down.

“Be careful honey, they are really hot”

I placed the tea on the table, then sat down to keep the plate eye-level for Bella to pick one scone to eat.

I noticed L was very close to me, eyeing those beautiful delicious scones, with a thumb in his mouth. He was literally drooling.

“I see you are still _here,_ ” I said coldly.

L cleared his throat. “I – uh,” he interrupted, not sure what to say, and put his hands inside his jeans and left the room.

I can’t just forgive L for what he’s done that easily. Did I hurt him on purpose? Yes, I did and I don’t feel bad about it.

I smiled at Bella. “Do you like it?”

She replied with an “I love boobies!”

“You mean blueberries”

“Yes, boobies” she giggled.

I sighed amusedly at her.

As Bella finished her scone, I helped her have some of the fruit tea. Earlier, I placed some ice cubes in one of them knowing fully well that it would be too hot for her to drink otherwise.

“I have to do some work. Do you wanna go play in the living room?”

“Yeah!” she exclaimed happily.

I noticed the back of her top was sweaty from the sleep and decided to change her to a simple teal blouse and starry leggings.

I opened the door for her, and I held her hand as we went downstairs to the main room. Once we reached the floor, she sprinted into Near to give him a hug. Linda was around painting a portrait of Near as he was playing, and I also noticed a few others were chilling in the main room. A group of the younger ones were practicing cello and piano while others were listening.

Near patted her head and smiled at her then went back to playing. She then went running to Linda, hugging her leg while Linda put her brushes down.

I smiled. Bella is _such_ a hugger and so outgoing, always full of smiles. She was a bit shy at the beginning with everyone here, but that changed quickly with the warm environment at Wammy’s house.

JJ was reading a book on the couch and I went to sit next to her.

“Can you keep an eye on her, please? I need to finish some work”

“Yeah, of course. Can I help you with anything?”

I sighed.

“No, it’s all good.”

I started overthinking again. Why did L come into my room earlier? Is he trying to make amends? Is he trying to learn if Bella is his daughter? He has no right to try and make amends now after he broke my heart and trust like it was nothing.

I felt pain in my chest and I stopped myself from placing a hand on my heart and slouching down in pain. Instead, I got up ready to leave. I knew I had to eventually confide in JJ, but I wasn’t ready for that yet and she knew it.

“Take your time,” she said quietly to me.

I nodded gratefully.

I made my way back to my bedroom, opened my laptop and I decided to look at the information collected for the kid L and I was supposed to meet and know their situation.

From the looks of it, no one really knows what this kid can do, they are just calling her a demon. I furrowed my eyebrows a bit concerned. It must be an exaggeration, there is no way such things like that exist. This made me wonder what kind of environment that little girl is in, and how are they treating her given that she has such an awful nickname. At the same time, if she is indeed a demon, what would happen to me and L? Would there be a chance of us dying while assessing the child and her attacking us? I shivered at the idea. Too many dark thoughts, I needed to clear my mind. Being so close to L, all over again, I couldn’t help but feel _constant_ pain in my chest. I checked my email to see for an update regarding the case in US I was working, but I haven’t had anything new. I took a deep breath and stood up. The memories were too painful for me to focus.

I went to the wardrobe and I got a floral bomber jacket and decided to go for a small walk. I grabbed my phone with me in case of emergencies, and I sent a message to JJ that I’ll be out for a walk, as I didn’t want Roger and Wammy to panic that I am missing. _Been there, done that,_ wasn’t pretty.

I sneaked out quite easily and took a deep breath of the cold air. The day has turned rather cold and I was thankful for the chilly air. The jacket was a perfect windbreaker. I mean, I am still Canadian and used to the cold, but that doesn’t mean I _don’t feel_ the cold as many people think.

I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was walking as I was familiar with the area and could find my way back at any time. I was bothered by the case that I was working on, worried for meeting the new child, anxious of having L living so close to me again and tired from having the role of a mom to Bella. To be completely honest, I would have not made it this far with Bella on my own. JJ and Roger had been so helpful with time and resources. I knew having Bella travel with me was temporary, as she was slowly adjusting to the house. I was grateful to have full custody of her, and she always makes me happy. Raising her was so worth it all the sleepless nights.

“Beth?”

I heard a very familiar voice behind me and I turned, unaware of my surroundings and taken by surprise.

“You shouldn’t be so lost in thoughts all alone here, vulnerable to attacks,” said the monotone voice of L. He was wearing his usual outfit, and for once he was wearing tennis shoes, with his hands in his jean pockets, his hair just as messy as always.

I felt anger take over. _Of course,_ he would say _that_ and not something nice like a normal person who socializes. What about a _hello, how do you do_ or anything of the sort.

I sighed trying to calm down and just get this done and over with. “Is there something you need, L?”

He took a few seconds to look at me like I was missing something. “I believe I asked you to accompany me for a walk, I did not expect for you to steal my idea and go alone”.

_Oh._ “Sorry, I forgot” I answered honestly.

He caught up to me and said “Is there anything troubling your mind as of late?” and motioned for us to keep on walking.

He _could_ be so nice if he just tried, just like this. I knew it was a rare moment, a strange moment, and I was decided to accept it as is and not think of how he hurt me.

“Yes”

“Would you share it with me?”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“Oh well, I don’t know, maybe because we don’t talk..?” I said with sarcasm.

He took a second to answer.

“Fair enough”

I looked up ahead and smiled, seeing the familiar lake that I used to visit daily while I was younger. I ran up ahead of L and plopped on the grass next to the water.

“Ahh, I really love this,” I said to L overlooking the ducks in the lake.

He came to sit next to me, and for once he actually sat like a normal person. A very rare behaviour if I may point out. Maybe because we were in public?

“L?”

“Yes?”

“What are you trying to do?” I asked, tired of waiting for him to get close to me again just to get hurt _again._

“I - uh, nothing gets past you, I guess”

I rolled my eyes.

“Initially, I just wanted to talk to you, see how you are doing”

“But? I feel that there is a _but_ coming”

_Butt_ I thought and giggled a bit.

L looked right at me, trying to look through me and probably trying to read my mind and understand my giggle. I’m pretty sure he knew exactly why I giggled, but chose to ignore it. His piercing look was making me anxious.

“Yes, correct, I want to know about Bella”

“There is nothing for you to worry about L” I said calmly looking at him for once. “She is not yours” added with a smile.

“She seems to be around 1.5 yo, and if my math is correct, we .. uh ...” L _stuttered._ Was he really that immature to say the word “intercourse”?

“L, please stop, she is not yours”

L changed his demeanour to a cold one.

“Were you with someone else during that time?” he asked me without any emotion.

“How can you even ask _that_ L?” I asked angrily, and I was feeling tears come in my eyes. I hated how whenever I would get riled up, tears would always be there, ready to burst out and make me look pathetic.

He looked up straight ahead to the lake, clenching his jaw.

An older woman walked her dog on the path where we came from so I decided to wait for her to pass before I continue conversing with L. I smiled at the lady as she passed us and said a _hello._ I’ve seen her many times on my walks here and she is always walking this beautiful golden retriever dog.

After she was far enough from us, I said to L:

“How dare you doubt me, L? I loved you, you _were_ my everything, did you even know that?”

He didn’t say anything, deciding to ignore me.

“You know what? I came out here to clear my mind, so if you don’t mind, I’m going back. I don’t need this right now” I said as I got up.

L didn’t move an inch so I left alone. Not that I wanted his company to begin with.

My vision was blurry from the tears, the pain in my chest was unbearable, and I started to cry when I was far enough from the lake. _I am so stupid; he doesn’t even trust me, and I don’t think he ever did._ All I did was support him and love him and only him, and once we slept together, he left for _a case_ and he hasn’t talked to me since then. How does he think I felt like? I lost my virginity to him, and he left for months on end. We haven’t even been in the same place since then, he didn’t even try to reach out. I really thought we had something going on, and boy, _was I so wrong._

I was trying to stop the tears, but I wasn’t successful. I wasn’t too far from home and I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. Because if anyone sees me like this, they go and tell L. “ _Bloody almighty L_ , he knows _everything_ ” I said a whisper with sarcasm.

I wiped away the tears, and decide to sit on the stairs until my face dried up. Just a few minutes to recover.

“Hey, I thought it was you,” said Matt from the doorframe.

“Oh, Matt,” I said trying to hide a sniffle, wiping my nose slightly.

“Hey-hey, are you okay?” He asked coming to sit next to me wrapping an arm around me.

I took a deep breath trying to stop the new wave of tears that wanted to come out. Why did he had to ask me if I’m okay? It’s like the magic word that opens up the flood of tears.

I put my head on his shoulder, hiding my face into him “I’m okay” and I wrapped an arm around his back.

“No, you are not, what happened? Talk to me, love” he said taking my other hand in his hand.

“Not right now Matt. I just want to sneak in and go to my room.”

Matt accepted that I didn’t want to talk about it and decided to help me anyway.

“I can help with that”

“Here,” he said taking off his hoodie, passing it to me. “Take off your jacket and put this on, your hands are cold”

“T-thank you, Matt,” I said to him complying with his demands. He was a bit younger than me, but he was always more mature than L will ever be.

“Ah you look so cute~!” he said making me blush.

“Oh, stop it,” I said shyly.

Matt took my hand and got me standing, in his other hand he held my jacket. “There you go, much better”

I smiled shyly. He hadn’t let go of my hand.

“I’ll go ahead and make sure the path is clear, ok?”

I nodded.

He opened the front door and sneaked his head inside then turned around “Ok, no one is here right now. Let’s go”

I looked behind me to see if L was anywhere near insight, and, _oh boy_ , he was.

Sitting in the gate, looking at me and Matt enter the house, and I swear I saw his face darken in anger.

I felt a bit sad for him, he looked upset, but I decided he didn’t deserve my attention and care and closed the door behind me.

Matt helped me get up the stairs without meeting anyone, and then he handed me my jacket, gave me a pat on the head and said to me that I’ll be okay. I smiled in return, and whispered “Thank you Matt” and entered my suite. He then went downstairs.

Once inside, I closed the door behind me and went to take a shower. I really needed it.

I looked in the mirror and I saw the same heartbroken young lady that I saw a few years back. Why do I let his words get to me? Why do I let him do this to me? Do I have a soft spot for him? I really need to get a grip and get over him once and for all.

I entered the shower and the hot water was really helping me warm up.

_L is such a prick, I really needed to move on. It’s been over 2 years now that this happened, I can’t just be like this. Fuck him, and his brilliant mind, his perfection. Why couldn’t I fall in love with Matt or that guy from the university that I met? Why did it have to be L?_

I had a long shower as I decided to clean and scrub everything off as if getting rid of L’s memories in my life. I spend too much time with him growing up, and I really wish I didn’t. We especially grew closer after A committed suicide from the pressure. Sadly, A was brilliant and funny, extremely smart, he just couldn’t cope with having to fill L’s shoes and passed away. The most unfortunate part is that he didn’t have to fill L’s shoes. He could have just been himself. He could have pursued any career he would have wanted, Wammy’ would have supported him. But I am pretty sure he didn’t know that.

I remember how hurt Wammy was when A passed away. Afterwards, he made especially sure that we all have a choice in our futures and careers. All that Wammy wanted was to support the children and their endeavours.

I finished the shower and grabbed the bathrobe then headed to my wardrobe and grab some clothes.

I opted for a nice pale pink sweatshirt that had a fit loose, with a simple pair of blue fit jeans. I put on some socks with flowers on them. I grabbed Matt’s hoodie and I folded it over. I would love to keep this for a while as it’s extremely comfortable, is just not appropriate for me to do so. I went to Matt’s room, knocked and no one answered so I entered and left it on his bed. I looked around his room. He is an avid gamer, with a brilliant mind, he just chooses to use it on other stuff. His room was full of posters, figurines and amazing desk setup. He is also one of the best hackers in this house, I’m not even sure L is even on par with him – this thought made me laugh. I think Matt would wipe the floor with L if a hacker battle was a thing.

I looked at the time. It was almost dinner. I kinda skipped lunch today, except for that scone that I had earlier.

While breakfast and lunches are up to people to have whenever during the given time, dinners are usually something everyone participates in, especially now that _almighty L_ is home. Everyone worships him like he is some sort of deity. I don’t really understand why they see him like that, I mean the guy is an impressive detective _L_ , among many of his names, but he’s not a great person. Not me anyway. Maybe because I grew up so close to him, I see him differently.

I left my suite to go to the diner hall, and I saw Near was still playing in the living room. I came to check if Bella left for the diner as well and I saw her hold the hand of one of the girls and walk with her there. I was glad Bella was becoming more independent. After her family passed away and she was entrusted in my care, I really tried making up the difference but I could never fit her parents’ shoes.

I smiled sadly remembering her parents. They died too young.

I met her parents while working with Interpol. I got to work a personal case with her mom, Gina, and we became really close afterwards. When they found out she was pregnant, they asked me to be the godmother. While I initially refused as I am not qualified in any way to raise a child, she insisted. And maybe she was right, Bella has been a blessing in my life. The people who killed her parents were brought to justice, I made sure of that. But Bella was so young back then, I don’t even know if she remembers them.

Near noticed me in the doorframe and said “L and Matt had a fight earlier”

“WHAT?”

He refused to say any further.

I didn’t hear anything while I was in the shower. What happened? Is Matt okay?

“Do you know where Matt is?” I asked purposely avoiding L’s name and existence.

He motioned his head towards the diner hall.

“Let’s go Near, you need to eat too”.

He got up and shuffled his way ahead of me.

Why would Matt do anything to L? I thought he admired the guy...?

In the hall, the beautiful antique table was set up with pretty blue flowers in the middle. I looked over to see where Bella was sitting and she was sitting on one of the chairs admiring the flowers.

“HA!” I said going behind her and picking her up. “You like the flowers?”

She nodded excitedly “Ya, ya ya, ya,ya.”

I picked up a blue rose “Here you go” handing it to her. “Do you want it in your hair?”

She nodded happily. I reached out into my pockets and grabbed a bobby pin.

“There you go,” I said placing the rose in her hair.

I grabbed a toddler high chair and looked over to see Matt with extra spaces next to him. One was probably for Mello, those two were like twins. I took one place next to him, with Bella in between us, and Near sat on my other side.

“Matt?” I asked quietly. “Are you okay?”

He nodded once looking straight ahead.

I tried to read his face, but I only saw half of it and was certain he was angry and upset.

“Matt, look at me, please” I pleaded.

He turned his face towards me and I noticed his lip was injured, with a bit of dried blood on he side. “You fought each other, didn’t you?” I put my hand on his shoulder looking disappointed.

He refused to talk.

“It’s not worth it, Matt.”

“Of course, it is! _You_ are worth it!” he raised his voice at me looking me with piercing eyes. “He treats you like shit, over and over again. He breaks you then leaves the pieces behind. Why do you even talk to him?”

Bella didn’t notice Matt’s high voice, and by this time she already took the rose off her hair and was smelling it.

“I- uh” I gulped. “I’m sorry”

I had no excuse. I don’t know why I still have a soft spot for L.

“I really tried to ignore the fact he fell asleep in your room, and you just let him _stay_ there.”

“What” I blurted out loud taken by surprise.

“I- “, he took a sharp breath “I really don’t like him, you know? He used to be so different, and now he is just a f-“ he stopped himself from swearing and corrected “ _shitty_ person”

“I know, Matt” I said sadly. “I’m sorry”

In the meantime, the room filled up with the residents. Roger used a little bell to grab the attention and said “Today we have L and Wammy for dinner with us. Along with all the other brilliant detectives that came over” he said mentioning me among others. I nodded with a smile to him.

“Have a wonderful time everyone, and let the feast ... begin”

Near sitting next to me was sending quick looks at Matt, then L. He was quite subtle about it, but it was obvious to me. I didn’t even dare look at L. I _refused_ to even look at him, his existence is just a pain the ass to me.

Miss Adams had a food plate ready for Bella, every piece was nicely cut and ready to eat.

I felt his stare towards me, but I ignored it. Instead, I started eating the food I was being served. Mashed potatoes were my favourite. To be honest, any recipe that included potatoes was my favourite.

Near kicked my chair slightly.

“Yes?” I turned to him with a cheek full of food.

“He’s staring at you, you know”

“So?”

“Maybe he wants to apologize?”

I swallowed the food in my mouth and started laughing, _out loud_. My tummy was hurting thinking about L apologizing about something. “Keep dreaming mate” I replied.

Mello from the other side reached over Matt to see what I was laughing about.

“Imagining L apologize haha -ha” I said laughing even more.

Matt snickered, a devious smile on his face, Mello looked at L, then at me and started laughing too.

I could feel L’s gaze _burn_ through me. And before I could control myself, I looked over at him and our eyes met. He looked angry and hurt. What he looked hurt for, beats me.

Once our eyes met, the smile left my face and our eyes couldn’t part. I felt like I was being dragged in a black hole and I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

While maintaining eye contact with L, I saw him mutter something, and because of my training with lip-reading, I knew exactly what he said.

I went stiff. I am definitely sure I _heard_ exactly what he said. I snapped out of it when Bella grabbed my hand. He couldn’t mean that, right? It must be some joke, again.

“Yes, honey?” I said with a smile looking at her.

“I uuuu” she sang to me reaching over from her chair to hug me.

“I love you too honey bunny. You are very special to me, you know that?” I patted her head.

She nodded happily and went back to eating.

Matt looked over at me, angry that I even looked at L. He probably didn’t see what L muttered to me.

I looked away from Matt, to embarrassed for my earlier decision to look at L.

For the rest of the time at the diner, Bella managed to cheer me up along with Matt and everyone close enough to her contagious laugh and smile.

I was thankful Matt was caring enough to care, but I didn’t want him to feel responsible and protective of me. He was a year younger than me, and three years younger than L. Matt knew my secret and we grew close because of it, but there were no romantic feelings between me and him. He was very protective of me, as a sibling would be. 

After dinner was ready, it was bath time for Bella. She was a very, and I mean _very_ messy eater. Just like her mother, always spilling and dropping food. It’s like they forgot where their mouth was placed and were searching for in the area around them.

Once the bath was done, it was storytime. Bella loved books. She would choose a book from my shelf or hers, and I would read her whatever story was in it. Sometimes they ended up being bedtime stories, other times astrophysics books. Whatever she thought was pretty, she would bring over and then I would use my creativity and build a story about them. She really loved new stories, but her all-time favourite was Beauty and the Beast.

I placed her in her crib and stayed by her side until she fell asleep. Which was no time, she would always fall asleep so fast.

I changed my clothes to a pair of sweatpants when I got an email notification on my phone. I decided to open up the laptop and check it out. It was the detective with whom I was working in the US. The pictures he provided just proved my theory. There were a few trees in the area, all different species, but the exact same height, that had marks on the trees. This person was not a one-time offender, but multiple times. I felt sick thinking about it. I explained to him who the culprit was, where he was, and a plan on how to catch him.

Once I sent off the information, it became rather late. Most of the house would be in their bedrooms by now, getting ready for the night.

I decided some mint tea would help me feel a bit better about the case I just finished. I can’t imagine being those parents right now, who lost their children to a monster. I couldn’t imagine what I would do if Bella went missing. I got so attached to her, she was family to everyone here. She was too precious for me. Now that I got to see the role of a parent firsthand, I was more motivated than ever to solve as many cases involving children as possible.

I turned on a night lamp, in case Bella would wake up, she wouldn’t have to feel scared and could see her way to climb out of the crib.

I left the door open to my suite and made my way downstairs to the kitchen.

The kitchen crew was already done, and everything was really clean. But what I noticed was L looking into one of the fridges.

_Frick_

I wanted to turn around and go hide but decided I am too tired of playing this _game_ with L, or whatever it was. He was nice, then a prick. I went to boil some water and he didn’t notice me until he heard the water pour in the kettle.

“ _You shouldn’t be so lost in thoughts all alone here, vulnerable to attacks,”_ I said in a mocking voice to him.

He grabbed a cake, a few scones, and tiramisu from the fridge and closed the door with his leg. I swear he worked as a waiter, there’s no way he could balance all that in his hands without any training. He placed the food on the table, grabbed two teaspoons and put one of them down.

He then went to town on this poor strawberry cake.

He didn’t say anything to me, but neither did I.

“how’s the case going?” he asked looking at me.

“I finished it”

“Oh, that’s impressive”

“Really, L?” I raised an eyebrow to him. Was he really that desperate to make small talk?

“Ahh,” he winced in pain, then licked his lower lip.

Without realizing, I looked up to him to see what’s wrong. It was a habit that I had from raising Bella.

For a split second, I forgot he and Matt fought, but then I remembered. I stopped myself from asking what's wrong and decided to look at the water boiling. I placed my head on my hands looking sideways. This water kettle we had, was an electric one that had double walls. There were blue lights in the double walls, making the water kettle look magical, especially when boiling

Soon after, the water was finally boiled. I grabbed two mint tea bag and I placed them in two cups, filling them up. Then I took a small plate to ditch the tea bags into once they stepped enough.

I placed the mugs on the table and pushed one cup towards L.

I wasn’t going to talk to him, but I knew he was going to have a stomach ache for eating sweets so late and mint helps. I was too caring for my own sake, and I knew that. It’s because I always acted like an older sister to everyone here. I grabbed the hoodie sleeves to cover my palms while I held the mug of tea to warm up my fingers. Whenever I would type on my laptop, my hands would get col.

I was looking at him, mostly through him just eating, lost in thoughts. Earlier at the table, he muttered _are you okay?_ And _I’m sorry_.

“Why” I said out loud without realizing he could _hear_ it. I was embarrassed. Why does he acts as he cares about me, then does something awful?

“Why what?”

“Why do you keep hurting me?”

He looked up at me confused. “What – what do you mean”

I was too embarrassed of myself at this point, tired too, so I decided I got nothing to lose to say whatever I needed to say to him.

“You weren’t there when I needed you the most.” I sighed. “I don’t know what game you are playing, and I don’t want to play it anymore”

He stopped eating and was looking at me.

“It’s been 2 years and I am still in so much pain because of you,” I said with a blank voice. I didn’t trust myself to say it with my normal voice, and this helped me hide my emotions.

“Whenever I think we are friends again, you go ahead and say something hurtful.”

He opened his mouth to say something but didn’t.

“L? What we had, was it even real or was it all in my head?”

~~~


	4. Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from L's point of view. It has a bit of overlap with the previous chapter, but also new content. We get to look inside L's mind and motivation behind his choices. Enjoy~  
> Warning: swearing up ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from L's point of view. It has a bit of overlap with the previous chapter, but also new content. We get to look inside L's mind and motivation behind his choices. Enjoy~  
> *swearing in this chapter!*  
> Songs used for inspiration:   
>  21st Century Blues by The Wombats   
>  Sorry – Nothing but Thieves

Chapter 4 – Hell

L’s point of View

I woke up in an unfamiliar surrounding. And I didn’t wake up on purpose. Something, no, _someone_ was crying.

I got up and noticed I was in Beth’s room. What was I doing here?

Bella was crying in her crib, so I went to lift her up in my arms and help her calm down. If I remember correctly, just rubbing the back and swaying them helps babies and toddlers calm down.

“It’s all right Bella”

She took a few more moments of crying, and her cries turned to soft sobs.

I placed her head on my shoulder and patted her back slightly. As I was doing that, I noticed the door open, and Beth trying to tippy-toe her way back in with some delicious smelling pastry. Upon closer inspection, those looked like lemon scones.

“I -uh” said Beth, “brought cookies?”

“Conezzz!” yelled Bella reaching over. I placed her down and she ran over to Beth.

Hmm, those scones smelled delicious, and I was _drooling._ Before realizing, I was standing very close to Beth, that I could smell her perfume. Ah, I wanted some of that food so badly.

“I see you are still _here”_ said Beth coldly to me.

I was shocked at the sudden coldness to me, and I tried to say something, but I had nothing come to mind. _Great, L, well done, now she thinks you’re a twat_. I was upset at the sudden change in behaviour towards me but decided it would be best to just leave given our bad history.

I went to my suite, the room just as empty as ever. It felt even emptier due to the coldness I just received from Beth. I really had no friends. My room had just one bed, no chairs, no sofa, with a desk set up on one side of the room, the other side had my laptop on the ground in the corner, and a desk set up with. I opened up the laptop, deciding to look for some cases around that I can work on. Ah, the perfect one, a robbery that took place in a jewelry shop, in a nearby city. I looked over the data, and build a case of evidence against the culprit. I used one of my other detective personas, as using _L_ would be too much for such as small case and would bring attention as to why L would focus on such a small city. I emailed the evidence to the officer in charge of the case, hoping he would take the evidence seriously.

I used my laptop to check the security cameras, I wanted to see what Beth was doing. She was always so bright and happy, and she didn’t deserve someone as pathetic as me. I had a bad habit of watching her through the security cameras knowing that she won’t talk to me. Of course, there were no cameras inside the suites, but there were outside the building so I would know if anyone tried to leave or enter through a window.

I looked all over the house to try and locate her, but I couldn’t see where she was. I re-winded the footage from the hallway, outside her room and I saw her leave for a walk, not just too long ago.

Without thinking too much, I found her phone location through GPS and send the data to my device. I asked her earlier to join me for a walk so I was going to catch up to her. I was really hoping she would talk to me, and explain a bit about Bella.

I put on a random pair of shoes and left to find and talk to her. Thinking about it, is Bella our kid? I mean, we had intercourse that one time, and one time only. But putting the math together, if she did end up pregnant, wouldn’t I have known about it? Pregnancy is 9 months, and Bella looks like she is about 18 months, more or less. That’s 27 months, which is close enough, as we were together about 2 years ago. But that would mean that Bella was conceived before I and Beth got together. My whole body was hurting at the thought of Beth with someone else.

I caught up to her “I wanted to talk to you” I said behind her.

She didn’t notice me so I decided to speak up “Beth?”

She jumped turning around. Why wasn’t she paying attention to her surroundings? She shouldn’t be out alone like this.

“You shouldn’t be so lost in thoughts all alone here, vulnerable to attacks”

That seemed to only make her frustrated with me, she sighed contemplating what she should do. “Is there something you need, L?”

Using my usual monotone voice “I believe I asked you to accompany me for a walk, I did not expect for you to steal my idea and go alone”.

“Sorry, I forgot”

After I made her aware of my presence, I caught up to walk beside her. I could see she was troubled by something. I wanted to grow closer to her, once again, and make up for the mistakes of my past.

After that one time together, I got so caught up in the cases and then ended up not reaching out to her for so long, that it was too embarrassing of me to do so now... And I also did purposely try to avoid her as I didn’t want to put her in danger.

“Is there anything troubling your mind as of late?”

“Yes”

“Would you share it with me?”

“Why?” she asked. I was a bit taken back by that. We used to talk about a lot of things growing up and were rather close up until I left to become L in my early teens.

“Why not?”

“Oh well,” she started with sarcasm “I don’t know, maybe because we don’t talk...?”

I took a moment, yes, she was right. I pushed her away and avoided her for so long, she had a point.

“Fair enough”

She then surprised me as sprinted towards the lake, sitting on the grass.

“Ahh, I really love this,” she said looking at the lake.

I loved what I was seeing too, though I was not looking at the lake.

“L”

“Yes?”

“What are you trying to do?” she asked.

“I - uh, nothing gets past you, I guess”

She rolled her eyes at me. Such childish behaviour, this one. I decided to be completely honest.

“Initially, I just wanted to talk to you, see how you are doing”

“But? I feel that there is a _but_ coming”

She then giggled for a second. While the sound was delightful, my inquiring mind tried to figure out what she found so amusing. It couldn’t be the word _but_ and it’s a similarity to _butt_ , right?

“Yes, correct, I want to know about Bella”

She turned to look at me and calmly said “There is nothing for you to worry about L, she is not yours” then smiled like she just told me what the weather was like.

I felt angry. If she is indeed my child too, don’t I have a right to know? What does she mean she is not mine? But is she _hers_?

“She seems to be around 1.5 years old, and if my math is correct, we .. uh ...” I stuttered too shy to talk about _that._ Too embarrassed for it, and ashamed of how I pushed her away after we got together.

“L, please stop, she is not yours”

Wait, does this mean that she was with someone else during that time? Is this really the same Beth I grew up with? I was starting to slowly boil with anger and jealousy at the thought of Beth being intimate with someone else. I calmed my voice, and said in a monotone voice:

“Were you with someone else during that time?” I turned to look at the lake, imagining Beth in those intimate moments with some stranger. Was it a stranger though? She doesn’t seem to be that close with anyone at the house, definitely not with any of the detectives that showed up here... right? I clenched my jaws and my hands into tight fists. I was more jealous than anything. I know Beth doesn’t deserve such a pathetic jerk like me, not especially since I pushed her away for so long without any explanation.

“How can you even ask _that_ L?”

I was watching her through my peripheral vision, too angry to look at her. Was I really not important to her?

A lady and her dog passed us, and I heard exchange greetings with her. We both had the decency of not speaking to each other while she was nearby and keep the conversation private.

“How _dare_ you doubt me, L? I loved you, you _were_ my everything, did you even know that?”

I didn’t dare look at her. Did she really love me?

“You know what? I came out here to clear my mind, so if you don’t mind, I’m going back. I don’t need this right now”

I didn’t move at all. I came here to ask how she is doing, and to learn who are Bella’s parents and I got nothing. Why can’t she be honest for once? I sighed ruffling my hair in frustration.

I decided that I should head back too. It was rather cold outside and I only had a white blouse on.

I was really trying to make it up to her and get back on her good side. I did something horrible to her, and I stand by my choice. I just thought she would be better off with someone who can provide her with support, love and care. As much as I hated it, I couldn’t be that. I was dedicated to my work, and even if I wanted to retire, I had no successor set to take over. Near and Mello are too unprepared for what’s out there. The things I had to do weren’t always right or good, and I would hate to admit them to Near or Mello, and especially Beth. I did things that were needed to catch monsters.

I didn’t expect her to love me again, and get back together. The cases I was working on were making me appreciate being alive, and they were turning more and more dangerous. There was a high chance that I would not be able to live for too long due to the danger, but also due to the stress, I put my body through. It was selfish of me to reach out to her only now just because I wanted to make things right with her. Ever since I left her, I felt more and more depressed, and Wammy has noticed. He was the one who pushed me to do this step. I’m too much of a coward to make this decision alone. Wammy knows how much I love her and for how long I’ve been in love with her.

As I entered the gate, I looked at the house and I saw Beth on the doorstep wearing a different top, holding hands with Matt. She looked at me, then walked away. I couldn’t move.

I felt a horrible pain take over. I was hurt and jealous seeing her close to someone else. Maybe Matt is her special someone nowadays. Beth was always close to Matt, especially after A died. It was soon after I started my career as detective L, that we started growing apart.

I remember the first time I met her. She was so shy, but what caught my attention wasn’t that he was speaking a different language, but how pretty she looked like and how smart she was. She was up to par with me, and I loved competing against her during that summer school. She helped me practice conversational French, while I helped her adapt to England.

I was too late to apologize to her. I didn’t have any hope that she will want to be my friend ever again.

I dragged my feet to the house, ready to go to my suite but I was faced by Matt.

“What the fuck is your problem, mate?” he said to me.

I was really confused and hurt. What is he talking about? He was the one with Beth, not me. What problem is he talking about?

“Don’t pretend you know what you are doing, _L”_ he spat out my name like venom.

“I don’t,” I said without any emotion and that seemed to trigger him even more.

“Yes, you fuckin do. Stop playing with her. You are not there to pick up the pieces, and you don’t even know half the shit you put her through”

“What are you talking about?”

Is he talking about me pushing her away? Is it that difficult for her to deal with my rejection? It was best for her to stay away from me, as I didn’t want to put her in any danger.

Matt came close to me, our bodies almost touching, grabbing my collar.

“I am tired of sitting on the sidelines. Do you really even care about her?”

“It’s for her own good” I explained to him.

Then unexpectedly, he punched me. I retaliated without missing a beat.

“I hate you” he spat to me.

Before I could say anything, Roger came into the hallway “Come on now, boys, what is going on?”

Matt let go of my collar and left the hallway mumbling.

I fixed my blouse and made my way towards my suite refusing to explain to Roger what happened.

What was Matt talking about? What did he mean that I don’t know half of the shit that I put Beth through? I decided to look for Bella’s birth records and family name. While she was registered in the Wammy’s database, the only name was Bella and nothing else. I tried unsealing the records, but I was having some serious troubles. I wonder who sealed them so well that I was struggling. I wanted to reach out to Matt since he’s a better hacker than me, but I decided I shouldn’t, especially after the scene earlier.

I decided to go look for Wammy and ask him personally.

His office door was slightly open so I knocked gently and he greeted me inside. I closed the door behind me for some privacy regarding the discussion I wanted to have with him.

“Yes, L? What can I do for you?”

“I want to know who Bella is, and what does she mean to Beth”

Wammy smiled and looked over his glasses to me. “That’s a very private question L, I don’t know I am sure I can answer it for you”

“And why is that?” I inquired impatiently.

“Because is not my secret to share, L”

I took a deep breath sitting down on the sofa in the room, laying my head back and looking at the ceiling.

“I don’t know what I did wrong, I pushed her away because I didn’t want her to be in any danger.”

“I know, but do you think that was fair to her? You didn’t even explain to her”

“She’s safe, isn’t she? That’s all that matters” I said coldly.

“Does it really?”

Roger got up from his chair and came to sit next to me on the sofa.

“Listen, son, when you told me how much you loved her and asked for permission to pursue her romantically, I gave you my blessing.”

“Yes”

“Good, you remember that. I also told you that she is more sensitive when it comes to feelings, and I specifically asked you not to break her heart”

I sighed with regret. I should have never reached out to her and should have just continued being friends. Even that was better than this current situation.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. You will have to apologize to her, and explain why you did what you did and maybe, just maybe she will forget you”.

“I -uh”, I cleared my throat, “I don’t think that is possible. She won’t even look at me, or talk to me”.

“And why is that, son?”

I knew why. I just didn’t know how to fix it.

He continued, “We talked about this, and decided that there’s a slim chance of us surviving with the current situation in the world. There’s always one more case, and then another appears. We decided it’s best to tie up any loose ends and make things right before that happens. I really feel bad that you are so accepting of losing your life even though you are so young.”

I knew he was right. He was the one to tell me I should let her know how I feel and apologize.

“But I don’t know how to fix it”

“You’ll learn how to approach her.”

“Why is it that you can’t tell me about Bella?”

He took a deep breath. “It is not my place to share that with you, son”.

“But is she my daughter?”

“Does it really matter?”

“I don’t know. If Bella is in her life, she then will be in mine too.”

“I am very happy to hear that. Will anything change if you are her dad or not?”

I thought about that. Would have things changed in my approach towards them if I knew whether Bella was our child or not? Probably not.

“Oh, look at the time, dinner will be served soon,” said Wammy standing up heading for the door. “You coming?”

“Do I have a choice?” I said with sarcasm.

Knowing miss Adams, I would be forced to eat food, and Roger will nag about it too.

I took a deep breath and followed Wammy.

Once we got to the diner hall, I easily spotted Beth and the child with her. She was standing next to Near and Matt. Of course, why does it have to be Matt? I sighed in frustration.

Darius came by “L, here, I save you a seat.” He said excitedly. I nodded and followed him. Soon after, Roger made an announcement for my presence, which if you asked me, was ridiculous. I knew I was the main provider for this household, but I really didn’t need all this. I actually found it bothersome.

I didn’t pay attention to what Roger said, and I was looking intently at Beth. I was a bit far away, but I could see her eyes being red. Unless she dropped the soap in her eyes, I believed that she had been crying. I felt bad about it, and all I wanted was her attention and make sure that she was fine. I noticed she was laughing with Mello, and I didn’t care if they were laughing at me or not, as long as she seemed happy. I decided that pushing her away at that time was worth it. She can have a normal life without me around. As I thought of that, the loneliness and pain that has been taking over my body lately were unbearable and I really wanted to leave the room. Sadly, that wasn’t an option for me. It took a while, but she finally looked at me. I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t want to make a scene. So, I looked at her, unsure what to say and muttered “Are you okay? I am sorry” to her and her body stiffened, the smile fading away.

I panicked a bit, I thought she would reply, but instead, she ignored me, and that hurt more.

Her attention was soon taken by the little one.

I had a teaspoon of some mashed potatoes and some meat, then I indulged in a strawberry cake. I just wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Darius tried making small conversations with me so I indulged him and paid attention to what he was saying.

Once I noticed people started leaving, I excused myself and went to my suite. I believed that was an appropriate time for me to leave.

I laid down on the bed on my back looking at the ceiling.

I don’t think there’s any chance to make her my friend after all. I sighed. I rolled over, decided to go to the library to read a book to distract my mind.

The library was empty, and I picked a book at random. I opened it up, but couldn’t focus on reading. I was a lost cause, why was I even trying to make friends with her anymore? I must have been starring on the same page for minutes because I heard Mello next to me and I was taken by surprise.

“Everything going well, L? You’ve been staring a few minutes too long on that page”

I cleared my throat.

“Thought you were a super reader or something of sorts”

“Y-yes, I am”

“Anything bothering you?”

“No, of course not”

“Liar. Whatever” he said as he made his leave munching on some chocolate.

I was lost in thoughts in the library for quite a while and lost track of time. After Mello left, no one else showed up and I was grateful for the peace of mind.

I looked at the Horologium and decided I should go enjoy my _proper_ dinner. So, I made my way to the kitchen, open one of the fridges with the cakes and sweets and was contemplating which should I have. I grabbed a strawberry shortcake, tiramisu and some scones that Beth made earlier, but wouldn’t share.

As I was getting the tiramisu in my hands, I heard water pouring behind me, and I hate to admit it, but I jumped a little. I quickly whipped my head around ready to drop the cake and get ready to defend myself.

“ _You shouldn’t be so lost in thoughts all alone here, vulnerable to attacks,_ ” said Beth in a mocking voice as to what I had said earlier.

I chose to not say anything and stopped myself from rolling my eyes, and placed the food on the table. I was still a gentleman so I grabbed two teaspoons, leaving one for her on the table. If I remembered correctly, she had a sweet spot for tiramisu so I purposely left the said desert within arms reach for her.

I started eating the strawberry cake, but the air was too uncomfortable to not say anything.

I took a pause from eating and decided to make small talk, see how the case is going.

“How’s the case going?”

“I finished it” she replied instantly.

“Oh, that’s impressive”

“Really, L?” she said raising an eyebrow.

Oh, must have been very obvious I wanted to have a small talk. I really don’t understand how people do those, I always prefer to get down to business and solve the task at hand.

I went back to eating, but I winced in pain when a bit of the scone scratched my lip, where Matt punched me. I felt embarrassed to show such emotion, and I couldn’t dare look at Beth.

What surprised me though, was when she placed a mug of tea for me too.

We were both too weird with each other. I think she hated me, but her maternal feeling was taking over. Does this mean she cares about me? Does it mean I have a chance of forgiveness?

“Why,” she said.

“Why what?”

“Why do you keep hurting me”

I looked at her taken back by her words. I _hurt_ her? I felt sorry for her, but I decided to act as if I didn’t know about what.

“What – what do you mean”

“You weren’t there when I needed you the most.” She sighed. “I don’t know what game you are playing, and I don’t want to play it anymore”

 _Game?_ All I want to be is befriend her and make sure she is happy, and that she accepts me as a friend.

I put the spoon down and I waited for her to continue. She seemed to turn off her emotions and said:

“It’s been 2 years and I am still in so much pain because of you”

I felt horrible for my decision back then to push her away.

“Whenever I think we are friends again, you go ahead and say something hurtful.”

Does she think we are _friends_ again? Is this a ... dream?

I opened my mouth to say something but decided there was nothing I could say to make this any better.

“L? What we had, was it even real or was it all in my head?”

I stoop up from the table making my way to her, stopping a foot in front of her, making sure she still has her own space.

“Yes, it was real,” I said softly.

“Then why did you abandon me after I slept with you?”

I felt a knife wound in my heart. No, scratch that, 20 knives stabbing at the same time.

I decided that a bit of honesty from me could get a bit of honesty from her.

“I am a dangerous person, Z” I took a pause waiting for her to say something, but she was waiting for me to continue “I realized afterwards what my actions meant and I decided you don’t deserve that.”

“How do _you_ know what I deserve or not?” she said angrily.

All I wanted to do was protect her, she was so precious to me. Why couldn’t she see that I did this for her?

I was getting frustrated with her reasoning.

“you are so fucking selfish, you know that?” She continued with a mocking high pitch voice “ _Everybody, listen, almighty L decided he knows what’s best for every fucking one.”_

I was hurt at her words. I am not almighty, and if I were, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

“You used me, then threw me away. How do you think that made me feel?”

I didn’t see it that way, but now I was understanding better why she hated me.

“I didn’t mean to” I answered honestly.

“If that’s true, why didn’t you reach out to me? I tried contacting you for weeks”

I didn’t have an excuse.“I was avoiding you”

“Ouch, thanks, so you use me, then you’re done. Smooth. Who’s next on your list to sleep with?”

I didn’t think I could hurt more at this point, and I was wrong.

“There’s no such list”

She rolled her eyes, stood up, dropped her tea bag onto the plate, and grabbed her tea to leave.

“Please Z, listen to me,” I said reaching over for her elbow.

“Unless you are going to apologize for every shit you put me through, then I don’t care to hear it.”

“I am sorry” I blurted. “I didn’t mean to hurt you like this. I realized that I couldn’t have a relationship and be L at the same time”

“Oh, so you make executive decisions in a relationship? I thought a relationship involves two”.

“I know what’s best for us in the long term”

“Argh, listen to yourself! You can’t decide this on your own”

“Beth please, don’t leave” I pleaded with her. I really wanted to talk things out.

She looked at me with so much hatred and I felt my heart squished under her gaze.

“Fine” she sat down once again.

“I just want to be friends again,” I said sitting in the adjacent chair.

“ _Friends_? Are you serious right now? You don’t even know half the shit I went through because of you”

That reminded me, Matt said the same thing earlier.

“Please tell me then, so I can apologize properly.”

“You just want to know if Bella is our daughter.”

Well, yes, but I cared more about Beth than whether Bella was our daughter or not. I was going to care for her no matter what.

“Beth, please, I just want to make things right with you. I don’t know how much I have left”

“To live, you mean?” she asked, her demeanour changing to a more caring, understanding one.

“I could get killed at any moment, and I am content with that, but I can’t put you through that. Especially now that you have Bella.”

I saw her eyes become watery for a second.

“She is not your biological daughter L, so please, can we stop now?”

“But is she yours?”

She debated a few moments whether to tell me “Does it really matter?”

“She looks like you and me”

“You are seeing things because you wanna see them, L. If you really cared about me, you could have at least broken up with me, or talk to me _once, just once_ to let me know you were done with me. Are you done now? May I get permission from Almighty L to leave to my quarters?”

I sighed, she wasn’t going to accept my apology.

“I am sorry I wasn’t there for you. I really wish you would share what you went through with me.”

“Do you wanna know as a friend, or as the party involved and at fault for causing that?”

“Both”

“I -uh, I will need some time for that” she answered honestly.

Oh, that wasn’t something I was expecting.

“Was it related to that particular day?”

“.. yes” she said.

I was confused. I was pretty sure it was something we both wanted to do, I didn’t force myself on her. We were both adults, she was barely over 21 at the time, and I was 24, we were both sober, used protection, what did go wrong? Except for the part where I abandoned her.

I sighed, accepting the situation. Whatever I did wrong back then, I had to wait to learn what it was and how to apologize for it properly.

She got up and left me all alone in the kitchen.

God, what did I do wrong?


	5. Unexpected Wonders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Z are taking a trip to Netherlands to meet the new kid. Who is she? what can she do? Why is everyone so terrified of her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song inspiration for this was "I'll be Good" by Jaymes Young.   
> Enjoy~

Chapter 5 – Unexpected wonders

_Song inspiration: I’ll be good – Jaymes Young_

Who the hell does think L is? Asking me to just be friends with him and just forget everything that happened in the past 2 years? The wounds are many and too deep. It took me so long to talk to JJ about it, and she’s been my personal therapist through this journey as well as a babysitter for Bella.

I grabbed my tea and left. I was too angry to deal with him at the moment.

I got inside my suite, and sat by the window, looking at the starry sky. I could see the sky clearly since we were far away from the city, but also because there were no clouds. I slowly drank my tea, trying to cope with everything that happened today, especially with L. As if each sip a new worry would disappear.

Gosh, why was I still in love with him after all this time? Why couldn’t I forget about him and just move on. He _decided_ our relationship wasn’t safe for me, but what about him? He puts himself in danger all the time. And so do I while working on my cases! His excuse was utter bullshit. Just the thought of his “ _logic”_ was making my blood boil.

Once I finished the tea, I made my way to bed and felt tears come out. I hid my face under the covers and crouched in a fetal position. I was so tired of this game of push and pull that L was playing with me. I needed to be a mother right now, I couldn’t act on my emotions. I had a huge responsibility now with Bella. I just wished that L would stay the hell away from me and stop playing with my emotions.

The next morning, I woke up to Bella in my bed. She must have woken up through the night and climbed over to join me. She really needed to learn to sleep alone, but it was hard for me to push her away, especially now when her sense of family and belonging was developing.

“Hello sunshine,” I said to her, as she was wide awake, sucking her thumb and looking at me sleep.

“Heyo” she replied.

Gosh, she was so adorable.

“How did you get in here?”

She giggled and started saying something unintelligible. I nodded, trying my best to listen and then playfully told her she couldn’t do that as it was dangerous.

Ah, I needed a huge cup of coffee. I was so mentally exhausted.

Before that, I decided a few minutes of tickles were going to make Bella’s day. Her contagious laugh was adorable, and I was sure the entire house could hear it.

She asked to stop and go use the potty, to which I complied without a second tickle. I was teaching her to respect boundaries, no matter who the other person was and I was doing that by leading by example. I helped her get off the bed and she waddled her way to the washroom to her potty.

I got her ready for the day, brushed her teeth, and then I got meself ready to face the new day. I quickly applied some black eyeliner, a simple line as it was complimenting my hazel eyes. I also braided my overgrown bangs all the way back then tied it all up in a ponytail. With this messy eater, I didn’t want to get food in my hair.

The kitchen had a few of the younger ones eating their breakfast. The table in the kitchen had all sorts of meals ready for the residents to eat. We greeted everyone and Karl was there too eating breakfast and chatting with miss Adams. I placed Bella in her high chair, and miss Adams brought her some carrots, hummus, potatoes and chicken breast cut into small pieces. While she was enjoying her food, I made an espresso shot and grabbed some of the toasted bagels, to put cream cheese on. I also placed some sliced dried salami on top. One of my favourite breakfasts, so simple and I never had an excuse for skipping it. I grabbed some ice from the fridge, placed it in a cup, added almond milk to it, and waited for the espresso to finish. Once that was done, I added it to the cup, along with a shot of vanilla essence and maple syrup for some sweetness.

As my coffee finished, I saw Matt and Mello enter the kitchen.

“Mornin,” said Mello rubbing his eyes. He went to grab his chocolate frosted cereals and milk from the fridge. Matt grabbed some cereals as well and asked Mello to pass the milk, ignoring me as much as possible. Ah, I deserve that.

Near soon came around and so did Linda and the people in the kitchen were slowly rotating. While I finished my breakfast rather quickly, Bella was a slow eater. She preferred to play with her food rather than eat it so I had to encourage her to eat. I wanted her to be independent so I wouldn’t spoon feed her, and let her eat by herself. In time, she would eventually finish everything on her plate.

Once I finished my food, I placed the plate and knife in the dishwasher. This was a habit everyone here had. We didn’t wait for others to pick up after us. The previous night I left the plate with the teabag on the table, but L was there too and I was sure he would clean it up after taking out his teabag as well.

Sitting next to the espresso, I made an iced coffee for JJ and then made some people’s coffee using the French press. I had the time since Bella was a slow eater and I also really loved making all sorts of coffees. I really enjoyed making people’s favourite drink. I knew their preference by heart and they were all rather unique. I placed their orders next to them, and they all thanked respectfully.

“Done!” said Bella after a while, waving her hands in the air.

“You did so well!” I said to her, helping her get off the chair. “I am very proud of you”

She was very proud of herself too as shown by a big smile on her face.

It was time for her to go for her educational playtime, so I grabbed my ice coffee and left with her towards the playroom. Since she was the youngest one here, she had a place of her own, where we would rotate toys weekly and would let her choose what to play with. We would give her space to play alone while watching from the same room. When she would want a company to play with, she would call for me or anyone around her.

I saw a piano sheet hanging around the floor so I decided to pick it up and look through it. It was the Serenade written by Schubert but arranged by Lizst on the piano. I was memorizing the piece rather quickly and I was on the last page when I heard something outside. Curiosity killed the cat, but I wanted to see who it was. Most of the kids were in their classes or studies, so I was curious if anyone needed help with anything. I instantly regretted my decision when I was met with L’s face, inches away from mine.

“I was just about to talk to you,” he said.

My heart was racing rather fast with him so close to me and I placed a hand on my heart, completely surprised by his presence.

“We are going to the Netherlands in 1 hour. Would you join on our plane? I assume you are not going to the US since you finished the case.”

Oh yes, to go see the new child. I almost forgot.

“I understand if you prefer to just meet me there”

“Nonsense, no point in using two planes to get there,” I said. “For how long do I need to pack?”

“A few days should be enough to get the paperwork done if we adopt her, otherwise, we can return today”

“Okay,” I said. JJ has entered the room, greeted L, the looked at me with worry in her gaze, and went to join Bella, giving us some privacy.

“Well, I- uh, I will be waiting outside then.”

I went to talk to Bella, explaining to her how I will be away for a few days, but she and JJ will have a wonderful time together. She hugged me and teared up for a second. Preparing them ahead of time prevents meltdowns.

“hey, it will be okay! I will be back before you can say _hopscotch._ If you miss me too much, you can take over my bed” I said with a sigh. That seemed to cheer her up as she got excited about sleeping and playing in the big bed.

I explained to JJ that we’ll leave within the hour and she warned me:

“It’s not healthy for you to spend time with him, especially now that you are trying to get over him”

“I know,” I said in apology, but there was nothing I could have done about this. My skills and L’s were important in assessing this girl.

“Be careful, promise me”

“Promise”

Packing was rather fast, and I finished within minutes. I decided to go look for L and discuss a plan of assessment.

I knocked on his door and waited for him to open it.

“I – uh, we didn’t talk about an assessment plan yet”

“Yes, please come in”

He opened the door wide for me to pass through and then closed it behind. His room looked exactly as I remembered it: just a bed, a laptop and a small desk area where a few screens were hanging on the walls. No sofa, no table, just one chair for the desk. There was a new drawing board, from what I could see, he was trying to locate something. Probably the origin location of a mass murderer counting the number of pins. I was trying to focus on the present, rather than memories and overwhelmed feelings.

“Just want to make sure we are on the same page.”

“Yes, of course”

He then must have realized he didn’t have any sofa for me to sit on and looked around embarrassed and offered me to use the desk chair.

I was worried about being in a small private place, _alone_ with L. My heart was racing and I was afraid I was going to confide in him, or worse, _forgive_ him. Random flashback memories of us making out came to mind. I shook my head to get rid of them.

“Given how they address her as a _demon_ , I think it is safe to say she is being mistreated in some sort.”

“Yes, I believe the same too. We need to assess if she is a threat to us, and ask her what she is capable of”

“You realize she is not just going to just tell you or show you that, right? Not everyone is a robot like you”

Ouch, I saw his eyes show a split second of emotion, just a small flicker. I felt bad instantly.

“I don’t expect any of the sorts. I took into account the human emotions and I suggest we ask her directly, and if she refuses, we return the next day, and build a base with her.”

“But that can take days!”

“Yes, hence I mentioned days in our earlier conversation”

“You mentioned a _few_ days, not days on end.”

“The other option is,” he said with a small pause, “for you to use your knowledge of children psychology and, uhm, charm to make her trust you and then we start from there.”

I snorted. “ _Charm_ a little girl into trusting me? What am I, a predator?” I shivered thinking about it.

“When you put it that way, I see the errors of my way”

I rolled my eyes. “What about a knowledge assessment? Are we going to do that?”

“I believe you should be the one to decide how should we test her, as you are an expert at handling children.”

“Given her age range, I have prepared a few versions. I can make a decision once I get to meet her personally.

“That sounds like a plan”

“Okay, then, I- uh, I can let Roger and Karl know we are ready to leave,” I said to L, a bit uncomfortable of being in his room.

“Yes, please, do so. Wammy will join us”

I already knew that. Wherever L went, Wammy was there.

I quickly glanced at the map and noticed it was a map of Toronto. I took a few steps towards the board and I asked L “What are you working on?”

Each red dot had a date to it, and I quickly made the historical map in mind. Whatever those were (attacks or murders), the pattern was increasing weekly.

“I am working on a side case. I feel that there’s a pattern in a serial rapist in Toronto, but I can’t seem to see it. I am rather frustrated” he said.

I turned to look at L. Was he that distraught he couldn’t see the pattern?

“May I offer assistance?”

“Yes, please, go ahead, I could use some fresh eyes.” He said with a sigh.

“I assume they are all from the same perpetrator?”

“Correct. This particular one likes to leave a cut of an X above the abdomen.” He said handing me a file of pictures from the victims and interviews of some of the victims that wanted to speak about it.

“I believe the next area to be attacked would be ... here,” I said pointing to L.

He came to look at the board, trying to see my logic and not connecting the dots.

“It all started with what... 1 attack a month? And that was on one of the campuses. It was a victim of opportunity, then it increases to an attack each week to right outside bars and inside parks. The most recent victim was attacked inside their home. He is getting bold and daring. You following?”

“Yes, I got this much so far as well. But I can’t see a pattern and I can’t tell where he will attack next.”

“L. The pattern is a _heart,_ an anatomical heart at that _._ ” I said to him pointing to the area. “The next attack will be right in the middle of it, and I believe that he is related or connected to whoever is there.”

I saw L catching on and understanding.

“It’s the shape of a medical heart, so it’s someone working in the medical field so nurses, doctors, assistants, even security guards at hospitals.”

“Yes, yes,” said L. “Oh, you are wonderful!” he exclaimed looking at me with delight as if I was a snack.

I was taken back by his honesty and excitement.

He went to sit at the big desk, lost in thoughts of how he should solve it “Yes, I should look at the hospitals in the area, see if any attacks were nearby there” he said as he got to work. “Security cameras outside, nearest site...”

I excused myself, but L wasn’t paying attention at this point anymore.

Half an hour later, I was in the car with Karl and Wammy, waiting for L to come to the car so we could head to the airport. Karl’s car was a fancy vintage black one, of which he was very proud of. He was chatting to Wammy in the front seats, while I was in the back seat looking at my phone.

He was probably lost in the case because he came to the car just a few minutes prior to the agreed time. He excused himself for being late and entered the car sitting too close to me.

A small airport was nearby so the car ride was rather short and I was grateful for that. I was still very much in love with him and I found him to be very charming, and I had a hard time being around L. I was trying to get over him and having him so close to me wasn’t helpful. I regretted ruining that beautiful friendship we had built over the years, just because I wanted to have a relationship with him. I placed a hand on my heart, trying to hold in the pain of not having him, but having him so close to me.

L looked at me “Is everything ok?”

I nodded my head, removing the hand. I forgot he was very attentive.

“How was the case?”

“The help you provided helped me close in the culprit. As we talk, the Canadian police are arresting him”

I nodded. That was great! I didn’t work on the case myself, but I was glad I provided even just a little bit of help in catching someone and bringing him to justice for what he’s done while preventing future victims.

Once we arrived at the airport, it was the first time I was seeing L’s private plane. It was very elegant inside, with a few seats, and even tables. It was a bit fancier than the one I was using.

I took a sit by the window so I could look outside. Wammy went to talk to the pilots, then came back and went to sleep on at a different spot, next to where Karl was seated. L went to sit at a different table, working on his laptop for a bit. After we took off, he came to sit across from me, grabbing his laptop and coming to chat with me.

I was looking out the window, enjoying the view, and trying to calm my motion sickness.

“Beth?” he said in a soft voice, as Wammy seemed to be asleep already.

“Yes,” I said looking at him.

“I really want to be your friend again”

“I’m afraid is too late for that, and what does _friend_ even mean to you?”

Given how he treated me lately, I don’t even know if I want whatever his definition of a friend is.

“I, uh, a friend is someone who sticks by your side, and hangs out with you, and you have fun with each other.”

“Oh, so you do know what it means to be a friend”

“Yes, I do”.

“Wouldn’t know that from your behaviour”

“I am sorry for hurting you”

“It’s more complicated than that”

“Then please share with me”

“I lost more than just you, L. I don’t want to go through that again”

“What do you mean?”

“L, I am not ready to say it yet. You agreed you’ll wait so stop pushing me.”

“Yes, I am sorry.”

Awkwardness fell through us. How could I tell L that I got pregnant at that time but I lost the pregnancy early on due to an accident?

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to share that with L yet.

“I’m going to try and get some rest,” I said to L. Hopefully, it would help me get rid of nausea.

He nodded and opened his laptop typing away.

I had fallen asleep rather quickly and was woken up by L, sitting next to me this time, holding my shoulders.

“Beth, please, wake up”

“L?”

“Are you okay? You were crying.”

I regained my posture sitting up straight, wiping my face. “Yes,” he let go of me but looked at me with worry. I refused to talk any further and he let me know we were landing soon.

I remembered my dream vividly as it was a memory, not just a dream. I took a deep breath, trying to forget it. It was just weeks the _ordeal_ with L.

In the memory, I was in the Middle East, in an envoy of armoured cars, escorting an informant for a case. I wouldn’t typically be this close to an investigation, but this time the informant approached me directly through an acquaintance in the Interpol. Karl was at a different base where we were actually heading to. What happened next was a bit hazy, but very detailed in my memory. The car in front of us was hit by a missile in an attempt to kill the informant. I remember waking up inside the truck, which had fallen sideways from the impact with the ground in front of us. My hearing was muffled from the explosion earlier, but I could still hear shots flying around. I got out of the car dizzily, and one of the soldiers was covering my body as I was only wearing a vest and a helmet, while others were engaged in fighting. We later figured out we had a mole in the envoy, who escaped during this madness in which the informant was eliminated. I don’t remember much after that, just waking up in a hospital with the doctors telling me I lost the pregnancy due to the impact of the blast. I remember how alone I was, and I cried, not having anyone to talk to. Karl, the butler, was the only one there that came with me and he had called Roger and JJ to tell them what had happened. I remember Karl holding me while I cried until I fell asleep. While I was terrified to be a mother at just 21, it was something I was getting really excited for.

I lost the pregnancy just a week before it turned 3 months, and I hated myself for putting myself in danger and losing the baby for it. I would have loved a mini-L walking around, laughing and chatting up, even though he was ignoring me at the time. I would have raised the baby alone, and happily.

I sighed at the painful memory, with eyes becoming watery once again.

After we landed, while we exited the plane, I talked to Karl. He was one of the three that knew what happened and had been very gentle and kind to me. I did not talk about the dream, just small talk that would help me get my mind off of things. He told me about a few exciting places to see while in Delft.

There was a limousine waiting for us, and Karl and Wammy had a rock-paper-scissors to who gets to drive the car. It was amusing as they both liked driving and were being so childish about it.

L had opened the door for me and let me enter first. I nodded my head in appreciation of the gesture and thought of puzzles to make and solve in my head so I wouldn’t think of L being so close to me. The physical pain I was feeling was not just because he hurt me, but also because I was ashamed for losing the baby; the baby he didn’t even know about existed.

After L and I had slept together, I had tried reaching him multiple times to tell him about the pregnancy, but after the accident, I had nothing else left to tell him. I felt very empty, and that’s when JJ started being my personal therapist. She grew up with us and was older than L, being the oldest from Wammy’s house. She was more interested in human behaviour and mind than the others who pursued detective careers. I also believed that A’s death motivated her to become a therapist and help us cope with the cases and things we see on a daily basis. It was a short time that I had the baby, but I had grown attached to it. It was soon after I lost the pregnancy actually, that I was chosen to be the godmother for Bella.

“Are you feeling better?” L asked, interrupting my train of thoughts.

“Yes, why thank you” I replied politely.

Wammy had booked an entire floor of suites for us to use while in Delft and I chose one random suite, with L choosing the one next to me. We quickly dropped our belongings at the hotel and decided we should go meet the girl. Her name was Mila, a 14 years old young Dutch girl. Her parents placed her in the care system at a young age, and she ended up at this small, very strict orphanage that was just outside the city.

Wammy and Karl had driven us to the location, then they went out for a few drinks and to enjoy the city. I was a bit anxious and I looked over to L. He was just as relaxed and composed as ever, with his hands in his pockets. I was a bit jealous of how he can turn off his emotions and be brave. Little did I know he was just as nervous as me.

“Ready?” he asked looking at me, reading my posture and thoughts.

“Yes,” I replied taking charge and going to the front door.

An older man, who looked like a priest had opened the door and greeted us. We conversed in Dutch since that was the local language.

“Hello, I am Laurent, and this is Elsa. We are here for Mila” said L using fake personas.

Those names seemed to ring a bell for the man in front of us, as he recognized them.

“Ah yes, please, we were waiting for you. Please come in”

“Thank you”

“Are you sure you want to adopt Mila? We have other children who are not as _difficult_ as her”

I flinched slightly at the world of _difficult_ , raising a child and helping raise other at Wammy’s house, there’s no such thing as a difficult child, just terrible caregivers. L put a hand on my lower back, grounding me, and preventing me from punching the man leading us to Mila. I had a short temper and L knew about it, hence helping me keep calm. I had read her file prior to coming here, and all the reports had her as the culprit, even though she was obviously the victim. While I was worried about meeting her, I had formed an opinion about the orphanage and decided that she was more of a victim than a _demon._

We went through a few corridors, and we finally got to what seemed a remote part of the orphanage.

He knocked on the door and when she opened, he said “Mila, you have visitors” pointing his head towards us. I deemed his behaviour as very rude, but it wasn’t my place to say anything.

Mila was a very skinny young girl, with short blonde hair, piercing dark eyes, wearing simple plain clothes: a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt and some bracelets on her left wrist.

“Well then, I will be waiting in the main room,” he said to us. “Mila can show you how to get there”

“Not a problem, we can find the place” replied L to him before I could.

We had actually studied the plans for the building, in case anything went bad, we knew all the routes.

She invited us in her private room and had a defensive behaviour. I had taken charge of talking to her while L was watching with careful eyes sitting next to the door. The room was rather small, and compared to the rest of the house plans memorized, she definitely had the room half the size of everyone else.

“Hello Mila, my name is Elsa, and this is my friend Laurent. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, I guess?”

“What grade are you in?” I asked with a smile. I was trying to build a rapport with her.

“I’m in the 8th grade” she replied, unsure of what was expected of her.

“We are not here to hurt you, so please don’t be afraid. Laurent here has told me you are a very talented girl. Is that true?”

“I don’t know” she replied uncertain, looking at L with distrust.

L let me do all the talking and I was grateful for that. This way I had better control over the conversation.

“Could you show me some of your talents? I can also show you some of mine” I said to her. That seemed to pique her interests. As I said, I started wiggling my eyebrows as if they were dancing. That seemed to open her up and I saw a small smile on her face. “And you know what? Let’s ask Laurent to show us one of his unique talents!” I said turning to L.

He seemed to be confused for a second and decided to just use a simple math trick “Ask me to multiply any numbers”

“Okay,” she said, slowly thinking “34 times 97?”

“3298” replied L.

She was really impressed.

“How about 11243 times 32347 ?” She said testing his limits.

L took one single second before replied “363 677 321”

“He could go all day,” I said with a kind smile, and that seemed to amuse and entertain her. “How about you? What do you like doing?”

“I like making bracelets.” She said showing me her wrist.

“Oh, are those friendship bracelets?” I asked and then instantly regretted it, realizing she made them herself but didn’t have any friends to share them with.

“Yes ...” she said.

“I think you might wonder why we are here for,” I said to her and she looked at me waiting for an answer.

“We come from a different place, also an orphanage, but it is full of talented people. There are students who love puzzles, and others who prefer paintings and computers. Where we come from, we encourage young talented minds like yours to pursue dreams and things that make them happy. What do you think of that?”

I saw a flicker of excitement in her eyes, but then sadness taking over.

She wrapped her arms around her, looking sideways.

Seeing her like this made me realize how hurt she must have been in her short life, just because she was different.

“Before you decide to come with us or not, it would be helpful to know what is your special talent, the one you don’t want others to know,” said L to her. “It would help us better prepare for how to provide better for you.”

“Even if you decide you don’t want to come with us, we can pull some strings and get you to move to a better place,” I said, “but not any other place would be better for you than ours”. Wammy had orphanages all across the world, all of them were normal, but the only one in the UK was the one that was preparing the gifted ones.

She looked up to us, doubting us.

“You – you won’t hurt me?”

“No, why would we?”

“Because I can do – this,” she said as she opened some sort of a portal the size of a basketball. I took a step backwards towards L, who placed an arm on my shoulder. As much as I hated him right now, I was glad I wasn’t the only one seeing this. 

She immediately closed it down.

“I thought so ...” she said defeated.

“No, please, that’s not what I meant, I wasn’t ready for you to do that,” I said. “I’m sorry for getting scared. Can you show it again?”

“Yes, please, do so,” said L.

She thought for a few seconds, deciding to open it up again, this time a bit bigger. L and I got closer to it, trying to see what exactly “ _it”_ was.

We both looked behind to see what was there, but it was the same image both ways. The image was of a desolated plain, looking all grey, with bones on the ground.

L grabbed the pen and tried to push it through, but it didn’t. “It looks like a window of some sort”

“Do you know what is on the other side?”

She shook her head, but not in negation, more like she was trying not to remember those things. “There are ... _things”_ she said.

“Do they scare you?” I asked her.

“.. yes”.

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Can you hear through this? Do you know where it goes? Have you tried touching it? Can you move it around? Can you see more? Can you enlarge it? Can you make it appear anywhere around you?” Started L asking.

I frowned; he was overwhelming the poor child.

“Laurent!” I said to him. “Give her a break, this is not an inquisition.”

“Oh, my apologies,” said L, backing off from the portal.

She started laughing softly, at me and L’s interaction.

I looked at her, relieved to see she was slowly trusting us.

“I have some theories of what that is,” said L and that got me curious too. He was thinking with a thumb in his mouth and I tried not to roll my eyes at his behaviour knowing his _explanation_ about why h needs to suck his thumb was ridiculous.

“First of all, you are not a freak for being able to do that. You are indeed a very talented person.” I said to her, reassuring she wasn’t in any trouble. Then I motioned for L to continue his theory.

“It must be some sort of a different dimension. Einstein had a theory about it”

She seemed to recognize that name. “Have you heard of the theory of relativity? Or string theory?” he turned around and asked her.

“I heard of the first one, but I don’t know what it is”

“It explains that the reality we live in is like a fabric. And the reason it sounds likes it’s just one dimension, is because that’s what it. Imagine a rope from afar. It looks like a line, right? But what if you get close enough and see that there’s an ant on that rope? That ant perceives the rope as three dimensions: length, width and thickness, hence 3D. That is the string theory. Then there’s the theory of relativity which simply explains that the reality we live in, it’s a spacetime continuum formed of space and time respectively. But the field equations have gravity, matter, momentum and energy, showing that there is more to that.”

“So where’s the relativity in that?” she asked.

I took over answering that “Imagine you are sitting in a train, and I’m standing in a field, and we both see a truck pass. But we can only relate it to our position, we can’t relate how fast the truck moves compared to you who sits in a moving train, while I sit still on the ground. Your relation to the truck speed is relative and dependent on your situation. This theory tells how the reality we see is like a fabric (or a memory foam if you will), with the Earth sitting on it, making a valley, but is not moving. The sun is also sitting there somewhere as well but it is not moving and is attracting the earth to itself. But the earth doesn’t get too close as Earth has it’s own spin, making it a centrifugal force. Hence the Earth won’t crash into the Sun. Because of it, who’s to say there are no more than just on fabric?”

“So... what you mean, is that the portal opens to a different reality?” she asked.

“Yes” concluded L.

I nodded. His theory was solid and there were scientific theories to prove it, but it wasn’t able to be proven yet. The closest that anyone has been to this, was simulating how a black hole distorts time. That was due to the light travelling so fast being sucked in, that the time actually slows down. Hence giving ideas of time travel to scientists and nerds alike.

Mila seemed very entertained by the idea, and the fact that science was behind her powers, had a calming effect on her. She apparently had a hard time coping with what has been happening to her.

“I am very happy we got to meet you Mila,” I said to her. “I think you would love it at our place.”

“Are you two married?” she asked.

“No, no!” I was quick to reply, while L was just sitting there, no emotion on his face.

“We are friends, who grew up there together”.

“How many other kids are there?”.

“Just a handful” I answered honestly.

Then, my stomach made a grumbling noise. I had not eaten lunch yet and it was already way past lunchtime.

“Ah, excuse me,” I said to her apologetically. “Are you hungry?” She nodded.

I looked over at L, hoping he could read my mind, and he did.

“How about we go out for lunch together?” asked L. “You can show us around and we can get to know each other better”.

“That’s a great idea!” I chipped in; very happy L could read my mind about it.

“I – I don’t think I am allowed to leave this place.”

“Oh, nonsense. Laurent and I will take you out for lunch, and they will allow it.”

“O-okay,” she said sounding excited to go out for food, but I was also sure she was excited to leave this place as much as she could.

“Then make sure to grab a jacket, ok? It seems a bit chilly today”

L took out his phone, asking for the car to come to pick us up, and for setting up reservations at the fanciest restaurant he could find in the city. It wasn’t that he was trying to impress her, the security at those places was far better, and the escape routes were usually easier to find. The staff seemed to be more respectful and better prepared for L’s “food” demands.

While she grabbed her jacket, I looked over at L smiling, hopeful that Mila would decide to move to Wammy’s house. L nodded his head slightly, letting me know he thought the same, though he was probably having a percentage in his mind.

I opened the door and exited first with Mila, with L following closely behind. We went to meet the man who we talked to earlier.

“We are taking Mila out for food. We will return in 2-3 hours” I said to him, not asking for permission.

“But you can’t do that. You are not a caregiver”

I leaned over to whisper in his ear “I’ve seen about a dozen child rights regulations broken at this place, so unless you want me to take out my phone can call child services, back off”.

“O-okay, then, 2 hours.”

I returned to Mila and smiled, “What do you want to eat, honey?”

“I don’t know” she answered honestly. She was looking at me with awe at how I handled the situation. L was just sitting next to Mila, also looking at me, and I swear I saw him being proud and terrified.

“The car is here” announced L, leading the way and holding the door for me and Mila.

As we got outside, L whispered “Remind me to never get on your bad side”.

I pretended I didn’t hear him and I waved to the car where Wammy was opening the door.

“Hello,” he said to Mila with kindness holding the door for her, in her native language.

“Mila, this is Wammy,” I explained.

“Hi” 

I entered the car first, with Mila following closely behind.

She was completely amazed by the limousine, and Wammy acting as a butler. She sat across from me, while L sat on the same side as me. He was being respectful of her boundaries, and his decision was right. It was better to let her feel comfortable and have her own safe space since she was in a new environment.

“So, what do you two do for a living?” she asked us.

She wasn’t shy anymore, and it seemed like she liked us so far.

“I work with children and protect them from bad people,” I explained to her without saying the word detective.

“And I work on catching bad people” replied L in the same monotone voice as always like he was just reading a script.

“So you guys are like superheroes?”

“Haha, not quite, we are not famous” I explained to her.

“So you work in secret?”

“Something like that. What is your favourite school topic?”

“Mathematics” she replied.

I saw L look at her with admiration and I smiled. Of course, he would be impressed by that.

“We arrived” announced Wammy.

Karl came around the door and held it open while lending a hand to exit the car.

“Mila, this is Karl, he is my butler”

“So, you both have butlers?” she asked with ridicule.

“Something like that”. Well, Wammy wasn’t just L’s butler, but the main caretaker for the orphanage.

She had a very curious mind and was asking all the right questions. I had no doubt that she could be an amazing student at Wammy’s, and become a great detective if that’s what she wanted.

The restaurant we got to, was in one of the tallest buildings in the city, with the restaurant situated at the top, with a view of the whole city.

As we got to the top, Mila wasn’t the only one in awe over the view.

Karl and Wammy decided they were going to dine by themselves to not overwhelm Mila with too many people at once.

We were placed at a table by the window, and there weren’t many people in the restaurant, as the rush hours were long gone. The waiter handed us menus and let us decide. L asked for a cart full of all the desserts they currently had; the waiter tried to argue for L to open up the menu and look at the dessert menu. Using my own menu, I covered my face, laughing quietly, as there was no way the waiter could win against L.

“If you could take a look at the menu, I could bring you exactly what you want”

“What I want, is for you to bring a cart full of all the desserts you have here.” Said L to him.

The waiter was about to say something more, and L continued with annoyance “That’s _exactly_ what I want.” Using the same word the waiter mentioned earlier.

I was trying to hide a laugh at how frustrated L got. Getting between him and his stomach was a trip that no one got out of, unscathed.

Mila was looking at L in awe, surprised how he just ordered desserts.

Then she looked at me “Can he do _that?_ ”

“Yes, he can,” I said. “He is paying for them, so what does it matter what people eat?”

She seemed to see a new way of living.

“Do you need help deciding?”

“No, I think I got this,” she said.

During lunch, we got to learn more about her while she was asking me and L various information about the other students, about us, how we liked the orphanage and more inquiring questions about what we do.

As we finished, I let her know I would like to have an assessment test with her and if that would be ok.

“Yeah, I guess that’ll be okay” she replied. “What will it be on?”

“A bit of common knowledge, nothing out of your reach. And a puzzle for you to finish. How does that sound?”

“I mean, I am pretty good at my studies so I guess I will be okay” she replied confidently.

“That sounds like a plan”

Once we exited the restaurant, we went downtown Delft and asked her to show us the city. She was talking excitedly about the city, and about her favourite places. It wasn’t so much of a tour as it was just a chill hangout with us two talking, while L was acting like a scary bodyguard to anyone who dared approach us.

Looking at the time, it was time to go back to the orphanage.

She looked really sad about going back. “We promised we are going back there” I explained to her. “If you would like it, we can do the assessment today at the orphanage.”

“What happens if I don’t pass the assessment?” she asked fearful of the outcome.

“We want to see how you solve and think through, not so much how much your knowledge on topics. Seeing what you’ve been doing so far, I think you’ll do great” I encouraged her. She seemed really brave and hardworking, I had no doubt she was smart and could find her way through a puzzle.

Wammy drove us back to the orphanage and then joined Karl at a local pub while we had business to deal with. The ride back was just as full of questions as the previous ones. She was like a sponge, absorbing everything, asking questions with an inquisitive mind. I was taking a liking to her and I knew she could fit just right with everyone else.

Mila opened the door, and L stayed back to talk to the caregiver, while Mila and I went to the study room as it was deserted. I was glad I had prepared a few versions and decided to give her one of the more difficult assessments as I was confident she could manage it.

“There you go,” I said placing a few papers in front of her. I decided to give her space and sit across the room, reading a random book. The questions there were of science and math with tricky questions, with a bit of world history and geography. Then there was the Zebra puzzle, along with a few of finding the right shape that compliments the rest.

I did not give her any time limit, as I didn’t believe that should be something restricting and waited for her to ask questions.

L entered the room quietly and sat by the window, typing on his phone. I was pretty sure he was working on something, through his phone.

She raised her hand after half an hour.

“Yes?”

“I finished”

“Oh, let me take a look!” I said excitedly to see her work.

While her math was on point, history was lacking, and geography had a few mistakes as well. But what mattered was that she solved the puzzles along with the right shapes.

“How did I do?”

I handed the page over to L to take a look and we both were very impressed with her.

“You did very well, I knew you would!”

“What happens next?” she asked nervous.

“Well, we” and I looked over to L “would like to invite you to move with us to England”

“You guys are from England?”

“Yes, and there’s more to talk about if you would like to join us.”

“Yes,” she said excited but fearful. “I would like to get away from this place”

“Good, I already got the paperwork going,” said L in his usual monotone voice. Couldn’t he show a bit of excitement in having this wrap up nicely?

Mila yelped excitedly at what L said and looked over at me to tell her what to do next.

“You should go pack, as you will be joining us today at the hotel. We can come back to pack if you have more to take”

She got up and ran to her room excited about what was to come.

“L”

“Yes?”

“I would like to push the paperwork through as fast as possible.”

“I am already on that. Do you miss her?”

I smiled sadly “Yeah, I do”

She actually managed to pack everything in a small suitcase she had with her and we had left for the hotel soon after.

Wammy and L had pulled some serious strings to make the adoption go through very fast, and I was glad for that. I was sure the orphanage was ready to get rid of her as soon as possible. Which made me wonder how did she make the people fear them. I really had to ask her about that as I believed she could use it whenever she would be in danger.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter shows a side of Bella that is typical of every person growing up: getting drunk. We all do mistakes that we regret terribly and remember at night years after they happen and flinch. Ya, I did that in this chapter. Ohh, and the new kid decides on a name. What do you think? enjoy~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song inspiration
> 
> Movies - Circa Waves  
> Warrior - Aurora

Chapter 6 – King

Song inspiration for this Movies by Circa Waves.

At the hotel, she got her own suite, as we trusted her to not run away or destroy the place. L was tapped into the security system to keep watch on the floor and there was also security from the hotel.

I opened my laptop to video chat with JJ and Beth after they had dinner. Talking to Beth was a very refreshing experience and I really missed her. Beth was familiar with computers and video chatting as this wasn’t the first time we were separated, and her behaviour was very cute. She kept kissing the screen to reach me, and eventually, she started playing with JJ’s face forgetting about me.

“So how’s the new kid?”

“I think it went well, we are bringing her over tomorrow”

“.. and?”

“She can open some sort of a portal to a different reality”

She gasped. “A... portal? Different reality?”

“Yeah, that’s my and L’s theory anyway”

Hearing his name, she asked, “How is it going with that?”

“Nothing happened. I was actually grateful I wasn’t alone dealing with all this. Seeing that portal scared me a little bit. He also stopped me from beating someone too”

She sighed. “Ahh, the usual. I guess I am grateful to him for stopping you?”

“Haha, yes, I also think I terrified him when I talked to the caregiver there. That place is not taking care of children properly, especially special ones like the new kid. Which reminds me, I have a report to fill”

L was dealing with the paper trail of Mila’s existence and once she was out of _existence_ , I wanted to file a report to child services about the regulations that were broken at the orphanage. Those kids deserved better, no matter who they were. 

“Okay, okay, is time to say goodnight,” said JJ to the hyper child tired of her poking and pulling her face.

“Goodnight sweetheart, I love you”.

“I youuuu” she replied, sending a kiss over.

I played along with her for a few moments before we hanged up. I went to check on L and Mila to see if they wanted to hangout.

L was too focused on work so I left him alone and knocked on Mila’s door. I couldn’t hear anything inside the suite which made me think they were soundproof. I opened the door softly and saw her happily watching a documentary on the tv.

“Care if I join?”

“No, come in”

“How are you adjusting?”

“I never expected this,” she said pointing to the room around. “Does this mean I get my own butler?”

“Haha, that depends on what you wanna do”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember when you asked what we do for a living?”

She nodded.

“It’s a bit more complex than that. Both L and I work as detectives to catch criminals and bad people to bring them to justice.”

“You two are detectives??”

“Yea, not superheroes as you thought. Sorry to disappoint”

“That’s really cool! Tell me a story! Please!” 

“I focus on cases that involve children so it is not pretty. Maybe one day I’ll share a story or two, I think it would be too much for you right now.”

“Aww, poop”

“Also, there are some things we need to talk about. Sorry about the lie earlier, but our names are not Elsa and Laurent.”

She slowly turned her head towards me looking shocked. “You what”

“Secrecy is very important for our security. We put too many bad people away, and we couldn’t have done this if we used our real names. His name is L, and mine is Elizabeth, though I go by the name of Beth. And we both got detective names.”

I had her complete attention and she was watching me intensely. 

“The place we come from is called Wammy’s House”

“Like, like the butler Wammy?” she was connecting the dots.

“Yes, except he is not a butler. He is the parent figure that raised me and L, among a few others. He was the one that helped us become who we are today”

“So you all live secret lives?”

“Yes, though we have a tight family bond with each other. There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. Since you would be joining us, no matter what career path you choose, we will be giving you a clean slate”

“What does that mean?”

“As we speak, L is erasing any paperwork proof of your existence. With your special talent, along with your thinking abilities, I believe you could make a great detective one day”

“So, I won’t _exist_ anymore?”

“There will be no proof you ever existed”

“I see” she went deep in thought.

“As part of protecting your privacy, only L, I, Karl and Wammy will be knowing your real name as we met you in person, and we won’t share it with anyone else.”

“I see”

“Hence, you need to come up with a name you would like to go by”

“It doesn’t have to be a name, can be any word”

“How about King?”

“King? Okay, you sure? You can think about it for a few more days up until we get to England”

“Yes. I am sure” She replied confidently.

“From now on, you will be using only that name at the orphanage. It is for everyone’s safety.”

 _King,_ that’s different than what I have met before. Sounded bold and strong.

“When you meet new people, you will usually use a fake persona so think of a full first and last name for those occasions. Like Elsa for me when my name is Elizabeth. It makes it easier to remember it when someone calls your name, because of similarity”

“I see”

“Did you have dinner with room service? If not, would you like to go have hotdog?”

She looked embarrassed “I don’t know how to order room service, but I love hotdogs!”

“Great! I saw a food truck not too far from here and we could walk there.”

I made sure to grab my phone before leaving with _King_ to go find a food truck for our dinner.

As we left the hotel, she started asking me more questions about the orphanage. I replied with “Let’s talk about those things back in the hotel as it is not safe out here.”

“Oh, right,” she said. “So what should I call you then?

“Z works, or Beth. I usually respond to both.”

“What about Laurent?”

“I think L works, though not in public. You can still keep calling him Laurent if you so wish. I do not think he cares much about names”

“What’s up with him?” Then in his monotone voice, she said “He’s so robotic when he talks.”

I laughed “Yea, that’s him”

She joined me laughing at L.

We found the food truck and I ordered us each a hotdog with bratwurst, a German sausage. We decided to sit on a bench and enjoy the food and the view.

I felt the phone buzz in my pocket, and I checked it. It was a message from L.

_Where are you?_

I replied because I did not want to deal with an angry L: _Hey Laurent, just eating a hotdog with King by the fountain plaza._

_Who is King? You left without saying anything._

“King?” I said to the girl next to me.

“Hm?”

“Wave hello to that camera over there,” I said pointing to this store camera that turned its angle to study the plaza therefore mentioned.

“What’s going on?”

“Ah, just _Laurent_ checking up on us,” I said with a sigh.

She thought I was joking.

“I’m not joking” I replied seriously, reading her mind.

I got another text _You could have ordered the food here at the restaurant or have someone bring it over._

I rolled my eyes. I did the minimum of answering his messages, just so as not to worry anyone about our safety.

Another message came through and I decided to not read it. I came out to enjoy some street food, and I wasn’t going to let L take that away.

The darkness had already surrounded the plaza, and streetlights were turned on. The plaza was buzzing with life, lots of couples walking by, families with kids playing by the fountain. We were sitting on one of the benches, blending in the crowd.

“What is going on with you and _him?”_

“It’s complicated. We used to date, now we don’t”

“But he’s still checking up on you like that?”

“Safety comes first, no matter what,” I said to her with a sigh. It was a rule that I had to adhere to, no matter the situation.

“I don’t really get it”

“It’s okay, you’ll understand one day”

I took a pause then decide she should know about my mistakes such that she will understand the gravity of the decision that I took and the consequences that come with decisions.

“I ran away _once_ when I was a teenager. I had a fight with L, and he left for a case in South America. I was angry and ran away just for a few hours. I just wanted a few hours away from everyone else. L had cancelled his trip, returned to the house, and set out the special forces to come to find me.”

“Special forces? For real?”

“Yep, wasn’t pretty. Being swapped up by special forces like I was some sort of a criminal, was really terrifying.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it taught me a lesson. Danger’s at every step you take and you can never let your guard down, not even in the slightest.”

“I think I understand now,” she said gulping “L is _terrifying_ ”

I laughed lightly “It’s not like that. He really values other people’s lives” but not so much _his_ , given how ready he is to die. Just the thought of that was making my blood boil.

“How’s your English?” I asked her wondering how long it will take her to adapt to the house.

“I know a little bit” she replied in her native language.

I didn’t want to push her and make her speak English right then, she would have enough time to learn and practice at the orphanage.

As we were talking quietly to keep our conversation private, I noticed a group of young men who seemed to appear drunk were making quite the noise around.

“Okay, King, time to go,” I said trying to keep her away from that type of behaviour.

She looked over and them and nodded standing up. She was really smart and was getting what I was throwing down.

They were in our path towards the hotel so we had to pass them. I made sure that I had King close to me, I needed to assure her safety as I had taken her out and was under my care.

They seemed to be exchange students, speaking Spanish.

“Ola senorita,” said one of them walking towards me.

I chose to ignore him, and that seemed to make him decide it was a _great_ idea to stop me by the shoulder.

I sighed in frustration. Men feel so entitled, especially when drunk.

“ _Come hang out with meee~~ you are so pretty!”_ he said in English.

“Stop it, man, this is not okay,” said one of his friends coming to drag him away.

Given how intoxicated he was, it was a dangerous idea to overthrow him over the shoulder so I decided to just take his hand and twist it painfully until he was kneeling.

“Don’t touch me” I spat in his face with a dark smile as I walked away.

King was sitting there half terrified, half amazed.

“Let’s go, King”

“Y-yes!”

As I looked up ahead, I saw L a few feet in front standing and looking at us, with hands in his pockets. His face was expressionless as usual, but I _knew_ he was worried about us and angry we left without saying anything.

“Fuck” I muttered, quiet enough that King wouldn’t hear.

I hoped he was at the hotel, and I could just avoid him by taking a very long shower or something.

“Hey ~ Laurent” greeted King.

“Laurent, this is King,” I said motioning to the young girl.

“Oh, I see you chose a name”

“Yeah, how does it sound?”

L chose to not look at the young girl and stare at me instead.

“You can’t leave like that!” said L angry in Japanese, but with a quiet and monotone voice as usual to no grab any attention, but in a language that King could not understand.

“I had the phone with me and at least I had the decency to let you know where we were. Isn’t that enough?”

“No”

“Fuck it L, I am not yours, you need to stop it with the possessiveness”

“I thought you ran away again”

“Did you really? Me replying to your messages wasn’t enough proof of otherwise?”

“What if you got kidnapped? Or attacked as I saw earlier?”

“I can take care of myself”

“Against so many?”

“What is it to you?”

“I am responsible for each and everyone at the orphanage. Aren’t you responsible for Bella?”

“That has nothing to do with this”

“Yes, it does!” he said increasing his voice in rage.

I was losing my mind with him. I decided I was done talking to L as my words weren’t getting through to him. Looking over at King, I put a hand on her shoulder, ashamed she was already seeing me and L fight. And in public, nonetheless.

“Sorry about this, King, let’s go back to the hotel. I want to take a shower”

“Oh- okay”

L was walking closely behind us making sure we wouldn’t deviate from the path.

That drunk guy was harmless and he knows it. I was fine, and so was King.

“How many languages you speak?

“The question is what languages I _don’t_ speak” I replied tiredly from the earlier row with L.

I didn’t expect a group of drunk guys just to suddenly appear in such an area, but we were fine as nothing happened. He didn’t have to come out like that and ruin our good mood just because we didn’t abide by his rules.

“So, you both are polyglots?”

“Yep. Sorry, I am not feeling too good right now, and I am not good company right now. I apologize for earlier too.”

“It’s okay,” she said.

It wasn’t okay. I was literally just explaining to her the importance of safety, and then L goes ahead and acts as if I put us both in danger. The rest of the walk to the suite was quiet and awkward. L excused himself to do some work, and I apologized to King once again for the earlier situation with L. She seemed to have taken it rather well, though she could always pretend and run away later.

I got to my suite and decided a shower would be very welcome right then. I was really frustrated with L. We were in a public space, safe, within walking distance from the hotel. Is not like we went to a different continent or something.

Ugh, he drives me crazy, acting almighty and controlling. 

Once I finished the shower, I grabbed a bathrobe and had my head wrapped up in a towel. I wanted to go look for some clean clothes, and I was not expecting a _person_ sitting on my couch.

It was _L._ Mind you, I was in dire need of undergarments as well.

“L?“

He turned to look at me.

“I am here to continue our conversation from earlier,” he said in his British accent looking me in the eyes.

“There is nothing else to talk about” I replied in my Canadian accent, taking off the towel from my hair. I was well aware the bathrobe was showing a bit of cleavage, but I was too tired to notice or care.

“Yes, there is. You need to understand the consequences of just leaving like that”

“Oh my God, L, stop it. Nothing happened, ok?”

“Ugh, I am going crazy because of you” he admitted.

“You? You are the one who is going crazy? Are you fucking serious right now? We went for food and some fresh air, okay? We didn’t go out to stop a fricking drug lord, okay?”

“Why must you be like this?”

“Just leave me alone L.”

“I can’t do that”

“Why? Why can’t you leave me the fuck alone?”

“Cause I want to be friends with you once again.”

“Oh so, what is it now? You want to toy with me again?”

“Please Beth”

“No please, just leave me alone”.

He was getting frustrated with me and I could hear it in his voice. Good, that made two of us.

“You just want to know about Bella, I don’t matter to you anyway”

“That’s not true”

“Then what it is?”

“Why can’t you understand I am just trying to be your friend again?”

“Cause you always lie, L,” I said frustrated.

“That’s not true”

“Okay, fine L, here’s the truth: Bella is not your daughter and I am her godmother. Happy now?”

“Godmother? But I thought?”

“She is my daughter, I adopted her”

He didn’t say anything.

“Just so you know, if, and there’s a big _if_ , I got pregnant that time, pregnancy is 10 months, and our baby would have been 6 months younger than what Bella is right now. Unless you doubt me, of course, and I was 6 months pregnant at the time we had sex.”

He didn’t move or say anything, and I could see the wheels turn in his brain at the time. I went to the fridge and pour myself a nice glass of sparkling rose wine.

“You can feel free to leave at any time, L,” I said to him, hoping he would give me privacy. I had a small sip of the sweet drink and went to the dormitory to change into comfy clothes. I took a bralette, with a large black shirt and some leggings. Since L was here, I decided I would wear a bralette to make sure I am at least _properly_ dressed.

A few minutes later, L was sitting at the table with some cake, waiting for me to return. No idea where that came from, but there was cake in my suite and I was planning on having some of it. Especially since it was with chocolate.

“I didn’t know about Bella, I deeply apologize”

“Apology accepted,” I said really hoping this was what he wanted to hear sitting at the table, to sip my wine and have some of the cake he brought.

“Why can’t you forgive me for what happened?”

“Because I can’t forgive myself for what happened” I answered honestly.

“What does that mean?”

“You don’t have any right to know what that means. I needed you and you left me because you _decided_ I wasn’t worth it.”

“That’s not what I said”

“That’s what you did. I think you should leave now”

“You are being impossible,” he said frustrated, grabbing his cake with him.

Let me tell you, kids, you should _never_ combine sweets with alcohol, as they make one drunk _real_ fast. I had forgotten about that and ate almost half of the cake, and drank a full glass of wine. Sadly, when I get drunk, I get sentimental, talk a lot and sing too. It’s not that my voice is pretty or anything, I just keep singing this made-up song on repeat, for _hours._

I turned on the tv to watch something, but half an hour later, I was finishing the third glass of wine and I was completely drunk, with little control over my behaviour. In that state, I decided I should go see L, so I knocked on his door, slowly opening it only to meet his stare across the room. He was working on his laptop. I giggled. _He’s working on his laptop, not with the laptop._

 _“_ Poor laptop,” I said out loud giggling.

“What are you talking about?”

I made my way across the room and crashed over the couch, talking nonsense.

“Are you drunk?” L asked crouching next to the couch I was laying on to be on eye level with me.

“Maybe?” I replied grabbing his face and smooshing it “Oh look at me, I am almighty L, everyone bow to my chubby face”

“I have a ... chubby face?”

Then I stretched over his face “Oh Look, L can smile! Quick, grab a camera!”

L’s eyes twitched at the childish drunk behaviour he was dealing with.

“I’ll bring you some water”

He brought over a cup of water with ice cubes in it and handed me the cup, forcing me to drink.

I drank some of the water, but I was mostly fishing for the ice cubes to munch on.

“L?” I asked seriously looking at L.

“Yes?”

“Don’t leave me alone tonight, please” Then I started crying. “How can you ever forgive me?”

“I will always forgive you”

“No, you can’t”

“Why not? It’s my choice to forgive you”

“But, but I lost it!”

“Lost what?”

“I lost the baby!”

“What baby? Bella is safe” he said, getting up to go check on that.

“No, not Bella, she’s safe. The baby”

“What baby?”

“Ya, there was a big boom and _pouf_ , ~gone,” I said crying even harder.

“What explosion? Did you have a bad dream?”

“It wasn’t a dream, it was Interpol and witness, and nightmare,” I said hiding my face in one of the pillows.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing, nothing”

L sighed frustrated, the wheels in his head-turning slowly.

“You lost a toddler in a case?”

“Shhhhhh”

...

“You smell like L, you know that?”

He nodded.

“Are you L? I miss him, but you can’t tell him that, it’s a secret”

“Yes... a _secret_ indeed”

“Where’s Bella?” I said standing up, looking for her.

“She’s safe, with JJ”

“Oh, right,” I said sitting down.

L sat next to me.

“Do you love Matt?” he asked hesitantly, wanting answers in this honest state of mine.

“Of course! I love everyone! Especially Bella. Her chubby cheeks are so cute and she can’t pronounce things correctly. You have to ask her to say _happy birthday_ , she’s the cutest” I giggled thinking of her. _“Happy du-du”_ I said recalling her mispronunciation.

“Who do you love the most?”

“It’s a secret, shhhh”

“Do you love L?”

I nodded. “Yeah, always had and always will,” I said showing him the infinity sign tattooed on the inside of my right elbow.

“Is that a tattoo of L?” he asked eyes opened wide.

I nodded. “Yes, L loves math and really good at it. And I have one of the moon” I said showing the inside of the left elbow where a crescent moon tattoo was showing.

“But you hate L?”

“Yeah, I do”

“Why is that?”

“He won’t pay attention to me, and then just gets angry with me all the time for no reason!”

“For no reason? I doubt that”

“Nooo, he does!” I was showing him some imaginary broken glasses in my palms. “This is my heart here, all broken into pieces.”

“I am sorry to hear that”

“It’s okay, JJ and Matt are good at gluing it back together,” I said cupping the hands, looking at the imaginary heart.

“Matt?”

“He can get angry at L with me, and then we make fun of him”

“Why doesn’t he like L?”

“Cause he keeps hurting me, and Matt is my brother”

“You see Matt as your brother?”

“Yaa, he’s really sweet and plays with Bella too. He’s really smart too. Did you know he’s a good hacker?”

“Oh really?”

“I am so sleepy; can I sleep here?”

“Let’s get you to bed,” he said picking me up.

“Noooo, you are nice and warm, don’t leave meee”

“I am not leaving you; I am escorting you to the bed.”

“ohhh, okaaay, thammkss” I said playfully.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and picked me up, walking to his room “This is so fancyyy, you rich or something?” I asked him giggling placing my head on his chest as he was carrying me.

He smiled “So are you” placing me on the bed.

“Oh, I’m _rich_?”

“yes, very”

“Can I get cotton candy then?”

“I can get you some.”

“Great! I’ll be waiting”

“You want it now?”

“Yeeesss, pleaase" then my head hit the pillow and I was out for the night.


End file.
